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Weird National Briefs (07/24/2019)

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Double speed

GREENLAND, N.H. - New Hampshire State Police say a motorist was ticketed for driving 142 miles per hour on Interstate 95 in the town of Greenland.

Police say that just after 8 a.m. Saturday a trooper monitoring traffic from an aircraft spotted the southbound vehicle traveling at an extremely high rate of speed.

The vehicle was clocked at 142 mph in a 65-mph zone.

Troopers on the ground later stopped the vehicle and the driver, 51-year-old Eric Joseph of Short Hills, New Jersey, was charged with reckless operation. He’s due in court in September.

Police say that when asked why he was traveling so fast, Joseph said he was traveling home to New Jersey.

A telephone message left for Joseph was not immediately returned.

TME – Go big or go home, right?

A slice for a slice

ST. AUGUSTINE, Fla. - Authorities have arrested a woman in Florida who they say tried to attack another woman with a knife when she was denied a slice of pizza.

The St. Augustine Record reports 22-year-old De’Erica Cooks is accused of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon without intent to kill.

The St. Johns County Sheriff’s Office said Cooks became angry after another woman denied her a pizza slice when she asked for one. An offense report says Cooks told the woman “I’m going to cut you” with a steak knife in her hand, and then tried to attack her. Deputies say a man in the house was able to take the knife away from Cooks.

Cooks told investigators she did not remember much. She remained in jail Friday with no attorneys listed in records.

TME – When “It’s not delivery, it’s DiGiorno” goes wrong.

Tree’s company

EAST LANSING, Mich. - A man who was impaled on a stump after falling from a tree in mid-Michigan was rescued after runners heard his calls for help about 14 hours after he fell.

Cindy Eiseler tells the Lansing State Journal she and three other women heard someone calling “I need help!” from a dense thicket Saturday morning along the Lansing River Trail. The trail runs next to the Red Cedar Natural Area on the edge of Michigan State University’s East Lansing campus.

Eiseler’s group flagged down runner Chris Smith, who said the impaled man was face down with a “chunk of tree” through his shoulder.

Police say the 37-year-old man fell about 6 p.m. Friday. He was taken to a hospital and police declined to say why he was in the tree.

TME – We have SO MANY questions.

Slow and steady

SANTA YNEZ, Calif. - A 250-pound tortoise that wandered away from its home has been rescued after California Highway Patrol officers found it on the side of a road.

And no, they didn’t arrest it for speeding.

The highway patrol says it got a call about the big reptile Sunday evening. It was spotted on the shoulder of a road in Santa Ynez, about 100 miles (161 kilometers) northwest of Los Angeles.

Santa Ynez Animal Rescue picked up the tortoise before CHP officers arrived. The CHP located the owners, put the tortoise in the patrol car and delivered it to them about two hours later.

TME – Thus ensuring the hare’s undeserved victory.

Meth-gator madness

LORETTO, Tenn. - Police in Tennessee are asking residents not to toss drugs down the toilet, saying it could lead to “meth-gators” and stoned waterfowl.

The warning from the Loretto Police Department on Facebook came after a man was arrested after he allegedly tried to flush methamphetamine and drug paraphernalia.

According to the police statement, flushed items end up in retention ponds frequented by ducks and geese. It says “we shudder to think what one all hyped up on meth would do.”

Further, it says if the drugs made it far enough downstream, “we could create meth-gators” in the Tennessee River in north Alabama.

In a nod to a so-called "attack squirrel" in Alabama, Loretto police said, “They’ve had enough methed up animals the past few weeks without our help.”

Health officials have warned flushed pharmaceuticals could eventually reach the drinking water supply.

TME – How is this not a Florida story?

Balcony scene

ATLANTA - The Georgia Bureau of Investigation says an Alabama rapper accused of throwing $250,000 dollars’ worth of methamphetamine off an apartment balcony during a raid has been arrested.

News outlets report drug and gang investigators arrested 37-year-old Kelvin James Dark, who goes by the monikers “K Digga” and “Mr. Alabama.” A GBI release say s officers were searching an Atlanta home Wednesday while investigating a ring smuggling contraband on domestic and international flights.

That’s when they say Dark threw the drugs out of the high-rise window. Atlanta police later found the 5 kilograms of meth on a nearby street.

Dark was charged with trafficking methamphetamine and marijuana and possession of a firearm by a convicted felon.

GBI agents also recovered two semi-automatic rifles, a handgun, more than 13 pounds (5.9 kilograms) of marijuana and cash.

TME – More like defenestrate-amine.

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