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Weird National Briefs (07/10/2019)

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The mother of invention

PRATTVILLE, Ala. - An Alabama sheriff says jail inmates were caught making some truly “disgusting” alcohol out of fermenting vegetables.

News outlets report it turned up when dozens of officers conducted a shakedown for contraband Monday at the Autauga Metro Jail.

Autauga County Sheriff Joe Sedinger says it was the first time he’d seen vegetables being used to make alcohol. He says the jail stopped serving inmates fruit years ago because they made wine with it.

Sedinger says searchers also found an electronic cigarette altered to be used as a tattoo gun, as well as dice fashioned from the plastic ball that’s in bottles of roll on deodorant.

The sheriff says inmates won’t be punished for the contraband. He just wants to remind them that he’s watching the jail closely.

TME – It seems that MacGyver would have done well on the inside.

Clog jam

SHEBOYGAN, Wis. - A Wisconsin man has been sentenced to 150 days in jail for repeatedly clogging women’s toilets, including at places he worked.

Thirty-five-year-old Patrick Beeman pleaded no contest to five counts of misdemeanor criminal damage to property. The state recommended a 30-day sentence for the crime, but Sheboygan Press Media reports that Judge Kent Hoffmann on Monday gave Beeman 30 days for each count, to be served consecutively.

The Sheboygan man also was ordered to serve three years of probation and pay $5,500 in restitution.

Prosecutors say Beeman told police he gets urges to do odd things, like look for bottles in the garbage to clog toilets and cause them to overflow.

Police found a toilet in the women’s bathroom at Deland Community Center clogged by a plastic bottle last March, an incident similar to 10 others beginning in 2017.

TME – In short: no s—t, Sherlock.

Cake crime

WICHITA FALLS, Texas - Authorities say a Texas woman ate half a cake while roaming the aisles of a Walmart store and then refused to pay full price for it, claiming she had found it half-eaten.

Wichita Falls police Sgt. Harold McClure says the woman picked up the cake at the store’s bakery last Tuesday and ate half of it before getting to the checkout counter. He says a manager called police after the woman claimed she had found the cake that way and would not pay full price for it.

Officers ordered her to pay the full price but did not issue her a citation. She was banned from the store and her name wasn’t released.

In January, another woman was banned from a different Walmart store in Wichita Falls after she spent several hours driving an electric shopping cart around the parking lot while drinking wine from a Pringles can.

The city is about 125 miles (200 kilometers) northwest of Dallas, near the Oklahoma border.

TME – It’s true - you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

Uber mensch

OGDEN, Utah - A wildlife rescue in northern Utah is commending a man who found a creative way to rescue an abandoned baby bird while out drinking with friends.

Staff at the Wildlife Rehabilitation Center of Northern Utah say they received a call last weekend from a man who “had a few too many” alcoholic drinks but discovered a baby lesser goldfinch struggling on the ground.

About an hour later the bird arrived at the center by itself in an Uber. Staff later learned that the man had called the car as he was too intoxicated to drive.

Center director Dalyn Marthaler says the bird who they nicknamed “Petey” was thin and dehydrated when he arrived. He says the bird should be released into the Utah wilderness in a few weeks.

TME – That’s one absurd slurred bird nerd.

Bobcat boondoggle

CHATTANOOGA, Tenn. - Police in Tennessee say a man told officers he drunkenly broke into a nature center and tried to play fetch with a bobcat, accidentally allowing the creature to escape.

The Times Free Press reports 21-year-old Cayden Melia must turn himself over to a county jail by July 14.

An affidavit says Melia told police that he had been drinking when he broke into Chattanooga’s Reflection Riding Arboretum and Nature Center last month. He said he used a rock to break into Evi the bobcat’s cage and tried to play fetch with her, but she escaped.

A skinnier and slightly wounded Evi later returned to her cage. Melia was cited in lieu of an arrest on charges of criminal trespassing and vandalism. Authorities say a second person may have been involved.

TME – It was almost the purr-fect crime.

Drug delivery

PROVO, Utah - Police say an American Fork woman tried to hide drugs inside cards and mail them to her jailed boyfriend.

The Daily Herald reports authorities say a jail clerk discovered as many as 90 doses of suboxone strips in the glue strips of envelopes mailed with three letters.

Authorities say they apparently arranged the delivery by phone, with 31-year-old inmate Christopher Cartwright mentioning feeling sick and his girlfriend saying to watch for a letter from grandma.

Police say one letter was addressed from a grandmother, but the handwriting matched his 26-year-old girlfriend Destanee Redman.

Redman was arrested on drug charges. Police say she denied sending the letters and suggested another friend may have sent the drugs.

An attorney for her and Cartwright did not immediately respond to a call for comment.

TME – They grew suspicious when the mail from Grandma didn’t contain a check for $10.

Sweet creamy justice

NEW YORK - A police officer’s craving for cake batter ice cream put him and his colleagues in the right place to take action when a loaded gun fell out of a man’s shorts at a Baskin-Robbins shop in New York City.

Police say three officers were at the shop in Coney Island, Brooklyn while on-duty Saturday when Emmanuel Lovett walked in, tugged his denim shorts and dropped a pistol to the floor.

The officers swarmed and arrested the 33-year-old man. Police say his robbery record prohibited him from having a gun. He’s charged with criminal possession of a firearm.

Lovett is jailed on $7,500 bail. He’s due in court Friday. A message seeking comment was left with his lawyer.

The NYPD acknowledged the oddity of the ice cream-induced arrest, tweeting: “Seriously, this actually happened.”

TME – *Insert “Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” joke here*

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