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Weird National Briefs (04/25/2018)

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Nude poo to-do

PORTLAND, Ore. - Oregon State Police are investigating after a man told law enforcement officials he was held down and punched several times by a nude man upset that the alleged victim’s dog was not on a leash at a clothing-optional beach.

Oregon State Police announced on Sunday they are asking for the public’s help in identifying the suspect. The incident took place on Thursday at Collins Beach, a privately-owned nude beach near the Sauvie Island Wildlife Area.

Police say the incident resulted in “visible injury” for the victim, who has not been identified.

Police say they believe the suspect is a regular at the beach and has reportedly accosted others about dogs not on their leashes.

TME – Precisely the brand of vigilante you’d expect from Portland.

Senator Squirrel

BERKELEY, Calif. - The University of California, Berkeley has elected a squirrel to its student senate.

The Sacramento Bee reports “Furry Boi” was named April 13 to the Associated Students of the University of California Senate.

The squirrel initially took the form of a critter living among campus trees, running on platforms such as easier acorn access.

But the man behind the campaign, sophomore Stephen Boyle, posted his real intentions and policy platforms Monday to Facebook.

Boyle, who at times wore a squirrel costume, says he is focused on issues such as environmentalism, disabilities and mental illness.

Boyle occupies one of 20 spots filled in last week’s election.

Some elected student officers were far from nuts about the satirical campaign, saying it was a sign that students weren’t taking government seriously.

TME – Clearly a vote for Deez Nuts.

Failure to deliver

NEW YORK - A postal worker who prosecutors say hoarded away more than 17,000 pieces of undelivered mail in New York City allegedly told investigators he was overwhelmed by the amount of mail he had to deliver.

But officials say Aleksey Germash told them he “made sure to deliver the important mail.”

Germash was charged Thursday in Brooklyn with delaying or detaining mail. He declined to comment as he left the federal courthouse.

Federal officials say they arrested the 16-year employee after receiving a tip about a car owned by Germash that contained 20 full mail bags.

Authorities say they found 10,000 pieces of mail in his car, 6,000 pieces in his apartment and 1,000 in his work locker.

TME – Fun fact: “Germash” is Bulgarian for “Newman.”

Go fish!

BERLIN - Oh sprat!

A tractor-trailer tried to take a turn and toppled over, tipping its entire load of fish onto a German farmer’s field.

Police says some 20 metric tons (22 tons) of sprat spilled out of the truck in Friday’s accident in the northeastern state of Mecklenburg-Western Pomerania.

German news agency dpa quoted a police spokesman saying: “The fish bar is open.”

TME – Welcome to Germany’s hottest new sushi restaurant.

Candid canine camera

NEW CANAAN, Conn. - A Connecticut town is considering installing cameras at a park to catch dog owners who don’t clean up after their pets relieve themselves.

New Canaan Parks and Recreation Chairwoman Sally Campbell tells Hearst Media Connecticut the plan to install cameras was just one part of an effort to address the park’s dog excrement problem. She says police are also stepping up patrols near parks.

Parks Commissioner Francesca Segalas says some cameras would be placed in the parking lot to record license plates, while others would be hidden along trails so police could match pet owners with their vehicles and issue a fine.

Not everyone is on board. Some said they were uneasy about being watched while on a trail, while others wonder how long the video would be kept.

TME – Who would want to watch such a crappy video anyway?


MONROE, La. - Police in Louisiana say a woman came home to discover a naked stranger in her tub, eating her Cheetos while taking a bath.

A Monroe police affidavit says 29-year-old Evelyn Washington was arrested on burglary and property damage charges.

The Fort Worth Star-Telegram reports that a responding officer found “a full tub of water and a plate of food along with half eaten Cheetos belonging to the victim on the toilet next to the tub.”

Washington told the homeowner and police that an unknown male had told her to break into the house. Police found a tall ice chest under a broken window.

It’s unclear if she has a lawyer.

TME – It ain’t easy being cheesy.

Sign of the times

SEATTLE - Washington state’s transportation department has apologized for an “inappropriate message” that appeared on one of its traffic signs.

Motorist Ruslan Kozlov tells KCPQ-TV he was driving on Interstate 5 south Tuesday afternoon when he spotted the message “U Suck” on an overhead sign.

The transportation department said it was “clearly a mistake” that was caused by a “training error.” The agency says it’s taking steps so it doesn’t happen again.

TME – In the state’s defense, Ruslan Kozlov definitely sucks.


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