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Weird National Briefs (02/06/2018)

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Man bites dog

MANASSAS, Va. - Police say a Virginia man bit his dog and an off-duty FBI agent, leaving both with minor injuries.

Prince William County police tell news outlets an officer saw 31-year-old Cory Michael Phillips apparently intoxicated Tuesday and standing naked in a road.

A police statement says the officer used pepper spray when Phillips ignored commands. Police say the agent stopped to assist and a struggle ensued, during which Phillips bit the 51-year-old agent's neck. Phillips was subdued. The officer sustained minor injuries.

Police say Phillips had smoked marijuana at his home that morning. Police say he squeezed and bit his dog and pushed a 60-year-old neighbor to the ground. She wasn't hurt.

Phillips was released from a hospital and charged with offenses, including animal cruelty. It's unclear if he has a lawyer who could comment.

TME – Dude’s had it ruff.

Rethinking robbery

FALL RIVER, Mass. - Police in Massachusetts are looking for a woman they say intended to rob a bank but got cold feet and left without a penny.

Fall River police tell the Herald News that the woman walked into the Fall River Municipal Credit Union on Monday afternoon and approached a teller.

Police say the woman hesitated, told the teller “give me a minute,” and went to a counter and wrote on a piece of paper.

But she ripped up the note, dropped the pieces in the trash and walked out.

Bank employees pieced the note together and it said: “Give me the money.”

Anyone who recognizes the woman in surveillance images is asked to contact Fall River police.

TME – Always sad to see a sufferer of premature evacuation.

Slick plan, bro

EUNICE, N.M. - A New Mexico high school was forced to delay classes after authorities say vandals poured vegetable oil throughout the hallways.

The Hobbs News-Sun reports the oil was poured at Eunice High School in the small city of Eunice late Sunday and forced janitors to clean up the mess Monday morning.

Principal Tracy Davis says surveillance cameras captured six people wearing black clothing with hoodies and gloves pouring the vegetable oil on floors. Davis says they got into the school through an unlocked classroom window.

Officials alerted parents and students via social media that classes were delayed until the oil was cleaned up.

No arrests have been made.

Eunice is in southeastern New Mexico near the state line with Texas.

TME – There’s oil in them thar halls!

 

Math emergency

LAFAYETTE, Ind. - Police dispatchers are trained to deal with a number of situations, and a dispatcher in Indiana had to know her numbers when a boy called 911 seeking help with his homework.

Lafayette Police dispatcher Antonia Bundy answered the call from the boy, who said he had “a bad day at school.” It seemed the boy had “tons of homework” before the dispatcher narrowed down that he was having trouble with fractions.

An audio recording of the call posted on Twitter shows how the dispatcher helped the child solve the equation: three-fourths plus one-fourth. She had him take out a piece of paper to figure out the answer: one.

The boy thanked the dispatcher and apologized for calling 911.

Police say they don't recommend calling 911 for homework help.

TME – Really, it’s just a minor infraction.

Hot dog!

PARKER, S.D. - A South Dakota school district is using a talking hot dog to announce closures due to the extreme cold.

In a video posted to the Parker School District's Facebook page, Mr. Hot Dog says: “I'm a hot dog! I need some heat! I'm not a cold dog! ... You cannot have school! It's too cold outside.”

Mr. Hot Dog _ complete with eyes, teeth, a bun and mustard _ says he spoke with Superintendent Donavan DeBoer and that school will be closed Wednesday. Mr. Hot Dog suggested students can instead watch Netflix or bake a cake, but “No Fortnite !”

DeBoer told the Argus Leader that he created the video using Snapchat.

TME – That idea’s a real wiener.

Kicking and stealing

SWANSEA, S.C. — Police say a man launched into Mr. Miyagi’s famous crane kick pose before stealing a purse at a gas station in South Carolina.

Swansea police posted photos from surveillance video on Facebook showing the man striking the pose from the 1984 film “The Karate Kid.” Police say the man took the purse from a vehicle at a gas station on Saturday.

The photos show him holding the one-legged stance that Mr. Miyagi taught Daniel LaRusso in the movie.

Police say the pose appears to be the man’s “unique” ritual. Surveillance photos show him in the stance that Mr. Miyagi taught Daniel LaRusso in the movie.

Police say in a Tuesday post that the man has been identified and warrants are forthcoming. News outlets report the man’s name and charges weren’t available Wednesday morning.

TME – He’s the best … AROUND! Nothing’s ever gonna keep him down!

Monkey business

BERLIN — A paternity test on a baby orangutan has come back with a surprising result.

Basel Zoo in northwestern Switzerland said Thursday the test showed 5-month-old Padma wasn’t fathered by the male in her enclosure.

Keepers routinely take DNA samples from newborn orangutans because the endangered great apes are part of a breeding program.

Researchers at Basel University’s forensic laboratory compared Padma’s DNA to that of Budi, a 14-year-old male living in the same enclosure as the baby’s mother, Maja.

They found it didn’t match Budi’s DNA. Instead, it matched 18-year-old orangutan Vendel, who lives in the next enclosure.

It appears that for Maja and Vendel, the dominant male at Basel Zoo, the dividing fence was no obstacle to some monkey business.

TME – Like sands through the hourglass, these are the apes of our lives.

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