Tuesday, 09 July 2019 19:22

Celebrity Slam - Bottlecap Ballyhoo

Written by Allen Adams

As anyone who has spent any time with this page knows, we love it when we can milk a story for all that it’s worth. We’re just as lazy as the next folks – when famous people lean into their weirdness for long enough that we can get multiple weeks of content out of it, we’re thrilled.

Granted, that doesn’t happen all that often. Gone are the halcyon days of Charlie Sheen rampages and rapid-fire T-Swift relationship turnovers and LiLo meltdowns – it has been much rarer as of late. We just don’t see celebs returning to the well like they once did.

So when it happens, we’re obviously excited to take part.

Remember a few weeks back when there was the whole kerfuffle on Twitter when Justin Bieber challenged Tom Cruise to an MMA fight? And we all got super jazzed about it for like 36 hours? Dana White even said that he’d promote the thing? Only then Bieber backed it down, saying that the whole thing was a joke and that Cruise would probably kick his ass anyway (which is 100% accurate, in our opinion) and Cruise’s camp never really said anything and that was that.

But was it?

Tuesday, 09 July 2019 19:20

Weird National Briefs (07/10/2019)

Written by Allen Adams

The mother of invention

PRATTVILLE, Ala. - An Alabama sheriff says jail inmates were caught making some truly “disgusting” alcohol out of fermenting vegetables.

News outlets report it turned up when dozens of officers conducted a shakedown for contraband Monday at the Autauga Metro Jail.

Autauga County Sheriff Joe Sedinger says it was the first time he’d seen vegetables being used to make alcohol. He says the jail stopped serving inmates fruit years ago because they made wine with it.

Sedinger says searchers also found an electronic cigarette altered to be used as a tattoo gun, as well as dice fashioned from the plastic ball that’s in bottles of roll on deodorant.

The sheriff says inmates won’t be punished for the contraband. He just wants to remind them that he’s watching the jail closely.

TME – It seems that MacGyver would have done well on the inside.

Tuesday, 02 July 2019 14:57

Celebrity Slam - Swift-ly business

Written by Allen Adams

We’re not going to sit here and pretend that we really understand the intricacies of the entertainment business. Movies, TV, music – we know that we enjoy these things and enjoy making fun of the people who serve as the stars, but we don’t know how any of it actually works. We lack an understanding of how the sausage is made.

That’s part of what makes this week’s item so intriguing – we know that people are mad and we sort of get why, but not really.

Tuesday, 25 June 2019 15:35

Celebrity Slam - Chicken beef

Written by Allen Adams

There’s not much we take more seriously than beef here at Celebrity Slam. We recognize that inane conflicts between famous people are the driving force behind whatever success we might derive from this feature. Beef is the best.

But here’s the thing – what if that beef … tastes like chicken?

That’s what we’re looking at in our latest delightful throwdown, between longtime antagonists Miley Cyrus and Nicki Minaj.

Tuesday, 25 June 2019 15:34

Weird National Briefs (06/26/2019)

Written by Allen Adams

Grin and bear it

MISSOULA, Mont. — Authorities say a black bear somehow locked itself inside a Montana home and then nestled onto a closet shelf that wasn’t too hard, wasn’t too soft, but just right for a nap.

Missoula County sheriff’s officials say the bear just yawned when deputies knocked on the window and unlocked the door in an attempt to coax it to leave Friday morning.

They had to call Montana Fish, Wildlife and Parks Department officials, who tranquilized the bear so it could be re-located.

Sheriff’s officials say in a Facebook post that deputies responded at 5:45 a.m. to a call that a bear opened the door to the Butler Creek’s mudroom and somehow locked the deadbolt once inside.

They say the bear “began ripping the room apart” before climbing up the closet for a nap.

TME – And that’s why you don’t keep picnic baskets in your closet.

Tuesday, 18 June 2019 16:04

Celebrity Slam - #31YearsChallenge

Written by Allen Adams

You might remember last week’s Celebrity Slam, when we got after Justin Bieber for challenging Tom Cruise to a fight on Twitter. We had a lot of fun at the expense of the Biebs – as we are wont to do – and had some laughs.

Unsurprisingly, Bieber didn’t take long before walking it back and apologizing for what we all pretty much already knew was a joke while also acknowledging something else that we all already knew – that Tom Cruise would straight-up whoop his a--.

One of the delightful side effects of the whole kerfuffle was the social media trend springing from the 31-year age difference between Bieber and Cruise. It led to what is being called the Bieber Challenge, where users took to Twitter to call out celebrities 31 years their senior and challenge them to fights.

Now, while we acknowledge that the currency of the moment has passed – not much lasts long in the cultural consciousness these days – we thought it might be fun for you readers out there to get a sense of some of the celebs that we would fight in the 31 Year Challenge and what our plan of attack might look like.

It turns out that 1945 was a pretty solid birth year as far as celebrities go, so there are going to be some prominent names here.

Tuesday, 18 June 2019 16:02

Weird National Briefs (06/19/2019)

Written by Allen Adams

Landing strip

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. - A South Florida man thought he snagged a deal when he paid $9,100 in an online auction for what he thought was a villa. What he got was a 1-foot-by-100-foot (0.3-meter-by-30-meter) strip of land.

The land, valued at only $50, starts on a curb and goes under a wall separating two villas in the Spring Lake community and then out to the back of the lot.

An official tells the South Florida Sun Sentinel there’s not a lot Kerville Holness can do about his purchase.

Holness says he was deceived. He says property appraiser photos linked to the auction site shows a villa being on the parcel he made a bid on.

But the newspaper says the appraiser’s site and information on the county’s tax site show no building value.

TME – It’s been real estate and it’s been fun estate, but it hasn’t been real fun estate.

Tuesday, 11 June 2019 15:14

Celebrity Slam - Cruising for a bruising

Written by Allen Adams

Filling this space isn’t always easy. Sometimes, we really have to dig deep to find something – anything – worthy of our attention. This occasionally means that we’re forced to include items that perhaps don’t quite meet the lofty standards we set for ourselves.

This is not one of those times.

In fact, it is very much the opposite. This week, we have been gifted something rare and beautiful, a wonderful and weird bit of celebrity nonsense that is the Platonic ideal of a Celebrity Slam feature. It is a precious thing, unexpected and delightful. It is everything for which we dare hope.

Justin Bieber challenged Tom Cruise to a fight.

Yeah – we’re as excited as you are.

Tuesday, 11 June 2019 15:13

Weird National Briefs (06/12/2019)

Written by Allen Adams

School daze

MILTON, Fla. - Two Florida newlyweds and four wedding guests have been arrested for breaking into a former elementary school after their ceremony.

Santa Rosa County Sheriff’s officials say the four wedding guests and the groom, 26-year-old Zachary Fuit, are U.S. Marines. They were all charged with burglary, criminal mischief and theft.

A caretaker told authorities he was inside the former elementary school Sunday night when the group allegedly broke in through a boarded-up window. The caretaker said they took pieces from an electrical breaker.

The bride, 21-year-old Abigail Carlson, told authorities they thought the school was abandoned and decided to check it out.

The Pensacola News Journal reports the caretaker wrote down their license plates and deputies tracked them down.

TME – They had one thing in common with that school on Sunday night – no class.

Tuesday, 04 June 2019 15:18

Celebrity Slam - Double dip

Written by Allen Adams

We’ve had a pretty good run here at Celebrity Slam in recent weeks. There has been more than enough to fill our snarky coffers. There have been some sweet beefs, ranging from filet mignon to Steak-Um. There have been some solid celebrity hook-ups, granting us the always-welcome opportunity to flex our portmanteau muscles. And there’s been plenty of the usual standard-issue idiocy on the part of the rich and famous.

Basically, it has been a while since we’ve had to really dig to find something worth discussing in this space. However, it appears that the time has come – there’s just not that much happening that we’re interested in mocking/scorning/deriding/whatever.

This leaves us grasping at straws. So we’ve decided to do a double-dip this week, featuring a pair of celebs who used to make fairly regular appearances here at Celebrity Slam. Two people who spent an earlier stretch of their fame saying and doing all manner of things that got them noticed in this space and other spaces like it. Sure, they’ve fallen off our radar a bit in recent years, but hey – sometimes it can be nice to touch base, see how everybody is doing these days.

So … we’re going to talk about Lindsay Lohan and Miley Cyrus. Not together, mind you – we’re just going to do a quick-hit check-in with both women.

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