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Tuesday, 10 December 2019 11:25

Weird National Briefs (12/11/2019)

Written by Allen Adams

Chimney creep

TUCSON - An Arizona man is facing charges after authorities say he tried to climb down the chimney with a bound in a vacant house - and got stuck.

KGUN-TV reports firefighters in Tucson, Arizona, rescued the man Friday after finding his legs dangling from inside the chimney.

Authorities say rescue workers were called to the scene following reports from neighbors who said they heard a man calling for help from inside the home.

Firefighters say they used a rescue ring and a rope on a crane to pull the man out of the chimney. Officials say the man is in his mid-30s and wasn’t injured.

Tucson Police say the home was vacant and the man was charged with trespassing and possession of a dangerous drug. His name was not released.

TME – Guess you could say he flue the coop.

Tuesday, 03 December 2019 13:26

Celebrity Slam - Sunshine on my … somewhere

Written by Allen Adams

Composing a weekly feature like Celebrity Slam isn’t always easy. Sometimes, we have to dig deep into the realm of celebrity gossip, looking for anyone, however minor, who might have said or done something worthy of our scorn. We have to accept that occasionally, the “celebrity” that we find will absolutely warrant those scare-quotes we put up around the term.

And sometimes, Josh Brolin gets a sunburn on his butthole and we remember why we love this job.

Tuesday, 03 December 2019 13:25

Weird National Briefs (12/04/2019)

Written by Allen Adams

Urine trouble!

NORTH BEND, Wash. - A movie theater in the small Washington city of North Bend was evacuated after authorities say a packaged labeled as containing a “highly contagious human substance” was sent there in error.

KOMO reports the package contained a urine sample.

Sgt. Paul Graham with Snoqualmie Police says the package arrived at the theater late Friday and the theater manager found a box with the labeled liquid inside.

The theater was evacuated, and local streets were closed as hazmat crews responded.

Graham says the package was supposed to have been delivered to a medical clinic in Tacoma. It was unclear how it ended up more than 40 miles away in North Bend.

Snoqualmie Police provide police services to North Bend.

TME – Rated Pee-Gee.

Wednesday, 27 November 2019 10:55

Celebrity Slam - LeBron lets one rip

Written by Allen Adams

As anyone who reads this space with regularity undoubtedly knows by now, we here at Celebrity Slam aren’t always the most sophisticated bunch. Yes, we like to tackle our scorn and mockery with at least a touch of intellectual elevation, but the truth is that we’re very much in touch with the … let’s just call them less mature aspects of our collective sense of humor.

That immaturity isn’t always fully present in Celebrity Slam week to week. Basically, it just depends on what sorts of items we’re exploring at a given time. Sometimes, the news of the week doesn’t really warrant us unleashing the full gleeful force of our childish potty humor.

And then sometimes we get a celebrity fart story.

Guess what we’re looking at this week!

Wednesday, 27 November 2019 10:42

Weird National Briefs (11/27/2019)

Written by Allen Adams

Doggie donuts

PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. - Florida authorities say they responded to a rogue vehicle spinning in reverse around a suburban cul-de-sac with a lone occupant inside: a Black Labrador.

News outlets report residents called police Thursday after seeing the dog trapped and clambering around in the car as it spun in circles in a Port St. Lucie neighborhood.

Police say they think the dog’s owner stepped away from the running car and that’s when the pet knocked it into reverse. Neighbor Anne Sabol says she watched the furry speed racer take out a mailbox and a trash can.

Sabol says the dog was in high spirits after being rescued, adding it “jumped out of the car, wagging his tail.”

Police stopped the joyride by punching a passcode into the driver’s door. No one was hurt.

TME – Now THAT’S how you chase your tail.

Tuesday, 19 November 2019 11:35

Celebrity Slam - Much ado about nothing

Written by Allen Adams

If you’re a regular reader of this space, you know that there are certain areas in which we particularly excel. We’re awesome at creating clever and memorable portmanteaux for celebrity couples. We’re awesome at coming up with snarky and derisive commentary about the missteps of famous people. And we’re awesome at exploring the specifics of celebrity beefs.

However, the world of celebrity beef is a surprisingly complex one. It’s all very delicate – an elaborate web of shade being thrown and offense being taken. The rules of discourse have always been complicated, but the introduction of social media has rendered it even more so.

That’s what makes stories like this week’s item so interesting. See, it’s a beef, only it isn’t a beef, because while it started as a beef, it wound up not being a beef at all. Unless it is a beef. But for right now, it does not appear to be a beef, though it’s subsequent beefiness may prove to be beefier than previously beefed.

Get all that? Because we’re not sure that we did.

Tuesday, 19 November 2019 11:34

Weird National Briefs (11/20/2019)

Written by Allen Adams

D’oh! A deer!

WOOSTER, Ohio - A whitetail went retail for a bit this week when it entered a Walmart store in Ohio.

Patrons in Wooster in northeastern Ohio say the deer was kicking shelves as it walked through the store Wednesday afternoon.

Bert and Dawn Moore encountered the deer after stopping in for a few things for dinner. Bert Moore told the Wooster Daily Record he feared the doe was in danger of hurting itself or others.

Moore says he grabbed the deer when it grew tired after slipping on the floor and then lay on it to keep it still.

He, another shopper and store employees helped the animal get out. It disappeared into a field.

TME – Probably left to go to Target.

Tuesday, 12 November 2019 12:12

Celebrity Slam - Celebrity Fight Club

Written by Allen Adams

Here at Celebrity Slam, we relish the opportunity to take shots at people who are far richer and more famous than we will ever be. Feel free to call us haters if you like, because that is absolutely what we are. And, as the story goes, haters gonna hate.

This week’s hating involves two people who are undeniably famous, yet we here at CS have only the vaguest idea of who they are. Feel free to “OK boomer” us up one side and down the other, because for real – we barely have a clue.

Apparently, one of the biggest sporting events of the weekend took place in Las Vegas – a celebrity boxing match between YouTube stars Logan Paul (we kind of know who he is) and KSI (nope – we got nothing).

Of course, just because we don’t know what the deal is doesn’t mean that the world is as ignorant as we are. And make no mistake – these dudes are capital-F Famous. Both men made their names creating videos for YouTube; each has millions of subscribers and billions of followers.

And on Saturday, they fought each other.

Tuesday, 12 November 2019 12:10

Weird National Briefs (11/13/2019)

Written by Allen Adams

Footloose

LOGAN, Utah - Police in northern Utah are investigating a shooting in which a 17-year-old boy says a gunshot wound to one of his legs was self-inflicted when his gun accidentally discharged as he danced while intoxicated.

The Deseret-News reports that North Park police say the teen sought treatment at a Logan hospital Oct. 5 and that witnesses told investigators that the shooting happened when the teen got out of a car at an apartment complex and started dancing.

According to police, the teen told officers that the gun was in his sweatshirt pocket.

Police said the youth’s account is plausible but that their investigation into possible firearm and alcohol violations continued Friday.

TME – What do you expect when you bring a gun to a dance fight?

Tuesday, 05 November 2019 11:53

Celebrity Slam - Car trouble

Written by Allen Adams

It may seem like there’s no real rhyme or reason to the way we put things together here at Celebrity Slam, but rest assured – we have a plan. It might not be a thoughtful plan or even a particularly good plan, but it is a plan.

It’s a fairly simple formula, honestly – the severity of the offense is inversely proportional to the fame of the offender. Basically, it means that the more famous a person is, the less outlandish what they said/did needs to be to warrant our notice. However, this means that the reverse is also true – for a person of relatively little fame to capture our attention, their offense has to be really big and/or weird.

If you see someone who isn’t a household name in this space, you better believe that something REALLY strange has gone down.

Guess what you’re getting this week?

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