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Thursday, 24 May 2012 00:59

Ask Todd Parker - May 23, 2012

Written by Todd Parker

Dear Todd Parker,

I'm fresh out of college and working my first real job. I'm the only one of my friends who managed to find a job in their field. Everybody I graduated with is either sending out a million applications or else working somewhere that they hate. They always talk about how incredibly lucky I am to work where I do.

They're right. I am lucky. This is a great job. I like what I do and it's a perfect springboard for me to work my way up the ladder to the career that I'm looking for. I even like the people I work with; they're almost all really nice.

Almost.

Thursday, 17 May 2012 08:29

Celebrity Slam - May 16, 2012

Written by Allen Adams
Mommy dearest

We've had a lot of fun with the Kardashian clan in this space over the past few years. They have somehow managed to combine a complete lack of discernible talents with utter shamelessness to create a perfect storm of reality watchability. You might not watch their shows I certainly don't but E! wouldn't be coughing up tens of millions of dollars to keep them on the air if no one was tuning in.

However, sometimes the ridiculousness gets to be too much. Lines that shouldn't be crossed are rare in the world of reality television. However, Kardashian matriarch Kris Jenner has found a way to do just that. She told one of her daughters (Khloe) that her father might not be her father and that she should get a DNA test to find out if she's a 'real' Kardashian.

Yep. That happened.

On the season finale of 'Khloe and Lamar,' which aired just a few days ago, Kris Jenner comes right out and tells Khloe she should get a genetic test to determine if Robert Kardashian is her real father. 'There has to be a part of you that wants resolution in your heart,' Kris said. When Khloe was uninterested, Kris kept pushing almost bullying, really.

Khloe's response? 'I don't care either way because my dad is my dad and my stepdad is my stepdad.' It's a shockingly healthy take on the situation from Khloe although subsequent reports say that she might go through with the test anyway.

I hope she doesn't.

Kris Jenner is a terrible person and a worse mom. Her personal obsession with fame has swept up every one of her kids to one degree or another; this is just the most recent (and egregious) example. Leaving aside how awful it must be for a mother to tell her daughter that a father might not be a father, let us not forget that the only reason any of these doubts exist the only reason why Khloe might want 'resolution in her heart' is the fact that Kris wrote a trashy tell-all memoir in which she copped to all kinds of fooling around on husband Robert Kardashian. Her attention to creepy detail ensured that the world would know she was particularly unfaithful in the period leading up to Khloe's conception and birth.

Do these in any way resemble the actions of a woman who loves her children? Or has anything even resembling normal human emotions? She's like some sort of fame-powered android, willing to sacrifice anything and everything including the well-being of her children. It would be bad enough if she was just some psychopath irrationally laying waste to the emotional well-being of her kids. It would still be terrible, but she could maybe seek some sort of help.

Alas, Kris Jenner is fully aware of what she's doing to ALL of her kids. She is pure cold calculation you can almost see the dollar signs in her eyes when she looks at the members of her family. While most parents would look at milestone life events watching her kids get married, holding her grandchildren with a parent's loving, prideful eye. Kris Jenner simply sees a row of numbers adding up to yet another truckload of money to stash in the Kris Jenner Money Bin. It's all horrifically mercenary.

It wasn't our original intent to use this entire space on Kris Jenner. However, in the course of writing this piece, the complete distaste for this woman and what she represents became overwhelming. Of course, the Kardashian kids do bear some degree of responsibility for the circus that their lives have become. It's reality television and they signed the contracts. But there's still a line (blurry and jagged though it might be) and Kris Jenner crossed it gleefully and without remorse. At the end of the day, she basically tried to take Khloe's father away from her all for a bump in the Nielsen rating and a few more books sold. Regardless of the outcome of any test, this familial fracture will take a very long time to heal.

And just think she's got two more young ones left to exploit. God only knows what she'll do to them.

Thursday, 17 May 2012 08:09

Ask Todd Parker - May 16, 2012

Written by Todd Parker

Dear Todd Parker,

You probably get tons of messages asking for advice 'for a friend.' This is a little different; the advice is for me, but the beneficiary will be a buddy of mine. My wife, too. Let me explain.

I got married about two months ago. The marriage is great; this isn't about that. This is about the wedding and something that happened.

Three somethings, actually.

Monday, 14 May 2012 14:46

Celebrity Slam - May 9, 2012

Written by Allen Adams
Batting practice

In the course of conducting the exhaustive research required to fill this space with the hard-hitting Celebrity Slamming that you've come to expect, we sometimes learn unexpected facts about the world of the spotlight-seekers.

This week, we learned that the Los Angeles County jail has a celebrity wing. While that makes a lot of sense, it was something that we'd never really thought about. It's also a place that by its nature makes for some interesting fellow travelers.

Which brings us to the story of disgraced doctor Conrad Murray, singer James DeBarge and former pro baseball player Lenny Dykstra; this might be the only time those three names ever appear in a story together, so enjoy it.

Monday, 14 May 2012 14:44

Ask Todd Parker - May 9, 2012

Written by Todd Parker

Dear Todd Parker,

I've recently started dating a woman and things are going pretty well. We've gone out a bunch of times and everything seems to be clicking. We like a lot of the same stuff, she enjoys my friends, I enjoy her friends it's all good. I just have one question. It might sound stupid, but I've devoted a lot of time to it. I've lost all objectivity at this point, so I'm asking you.

How long do I have to wait before I fart in front of her?

I kind of can't believe that I'm asking such a ridiculous question, but I'm nervous about it. What if we're sitting on the couch and I accidentally let one rip and she's totally disgusted by it? What if it just grosses her out? It's not like I can just say 'Hey, so what are your feelings about farts?' because that's weird.

Thursday, 26 April 2012 12:39

Celebrity Slam - April 25, 2012

Written by Allen Adams
LiLo doubles down

Here at Celebrity Slam, we have occasionally been accused of piling on. It's a valid point, but the truth is that certain famous people seemingly go out of their way to place targets on their own backs. We don't make these celebrities say what they say or do what they do we just mock them mercilessly when it happens.

Which brings us to Lindsay Lohan. Again.

A couple of weeks ago, LiLo was accused of getting into a shoving match with a woman at the nightclub Smoke and Mirrors. According to the claim, the woman was talking to a male friend of the actress and Lohan took umbrage, even going so far as to start pushing and shoving her.

Friday, 13 April 2012 13:42

Celebrity Slam - April 11, 2012

Written by Allen Adams
The Amanda Show

There are a lot of trashballs out there among the celebrity elite. These are people who despite their fame or more often because of it behave like irresponsible degenerate morons. We just shrug it gives us something to fill this space and it's not like we have high expectations of the Snookis and LiLos of the world.

And then there are the surprises. Surprises like Amanda Bynes.

Bynes apparently was clubbing it up in West Hollywood and got behind the wheel when she shouldn't have. According to law enforcement sources, Bynes attempted to pass a police car and sideswiped it, banging into the right real panel. Obviously, she was pulled over; officers determined that she was not fit to drive. She was arrested and carted off to jail.

Wednesday, 04 April 2012 17:11

Celebrity Slam - April 4, 2012

Written by Allen Adams
Community strife

The NBC show 'Community' has had a bit of a rough go recently. The show just came off a winter hiatus and its status in the network lineup is unclear after this season. Happily, those tensions haven't affected the on-set environment and everyone is pleased as punch to be working together for however much longer it lasts.

Ha! Just kidding. There's a full-on blood feud developing between Chevy Chase, one of the show's stars, and creator Dan Harmon.

While this conflict has allegedly been simmering for a while now, things came to a head during the filming of the season's final episode. Apparently, Chase wasn't feeling a scene and asked Harmon for a rewrite, saying that he wouldn't do the scene as it was currently written. Harmon refused and Chase left the set. There was some tension, but overall, things looked amicable.

Looks can be deceiving.

Thursday, 22 March 2012 09:49

Celebrity Slam - March 21, 2012

Written by Allen Adams

Another fallen 'Idol'

We've long had a bit of a fast and loose attitude in this space with regards to what actually constitutes 'celebrity.' We have to, if only so we can be sure to include the seemingly never-ending waves of reality stars who appear to be anxiously awaiting their chance to be complete a-holes.

Which brings us to Jermaine Jones.

Jermaine was a contestant on 'American Idol' you know, that show that people still inexplicably watch for some reason. He had spent a significant part of his time on the show throwing out sob story after sob story, including one about his absentee dad who suddenly reappeared when his son was on the verge of fame.

Thursday, 22 March 2012 09:47

Ask Todd Parker - March 21, 2012

Written by Todd Parker

Dear Todd Parker,

I'm a guy who just turned 30. I broke up with my girlfriend of five years about a year ago. I decided that if I didn't want to marry her I was just stringing both of us along. My dating life before her was easier since I was still in college, going to parties, and constantly meeting new people. Now I am in the realm of the adult dating world and have been a bit lost but learning quickly.

I met a girl about six months after the breakup and started hanging out semi-regularly; very low-key. I'm not looking for any kind of serious relationship or anything, but I don't know - I've been in a long-term relationship for so much of my dating life that it's all I know.

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