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Monday, 23 December 2019 21:39

Weird National Briefs (12/25/2019)

Written by Allen Adams

Owl be home for Christmas

ATLANTA - A Georgia family got a real hoot from its Christmas tree: More than a week after they bought it, they discovered a live owl nestled among its branches.

Katie McBride Newman said Friday that she and her daughter spotted the bird on Dec. 12. They had bought the 10-foot (3-meter) tall tree from a Home Depot, brought it back to their Atlanta area home and decorated it with lights and, coincidentally, owl ornaments.

“It was surreal, but we weren’t really freaked out about it,” McBride Newman said. “We’re really outdoorsy people. We love the wilderness.”

The family opened windows and doors near the tree hoping the owl would fly away, but it didn’t.

“The owl seemed to be pretty comfortable, and I thought, ‘Hey buddy, it’s not going to go well if you just stay here. There’s no food, I’m sorry,’” said McBride Newman’s husband, Billy Newman.

So the family called a nonprofit nature center for help. The Chattahoochee Nature Center caught the bird and helped the family release it.

McBride Newman said she believed the bird had been in the tree since they bought it, but was hidden.

“We think he was just in there hugging the trunk,” she said. “It’s a very dense tree and it was very fresh. That’s why we picked it.”

TME – Whoooo cares?

Tuesday, 17 December 2019 12:48

Celebrity Slam - Big Derulo Energy

Written by Allen Adams

Celebrities are always saying and/or doing dumb and/or weird stuff. It’s part of the package for a lot of these folks, and for whatever reason, their method of coping with fame involves losing track of what it means to interact with others like a normal human.

Now, most of the dumbness/weirdness is fairly predictable. Silly social media beefs. “Don’t you know who I am?” moments. General awkwardness brought about by a lack of self-awareness. The usual business.

But every once in a while, a celebrity gets weird in public about something unexpected. Something that you’d never in a million years consider discussing in a small group of strangers, let alone sharing with the world. Something … different.

So – we need to talk about Jason Derulo’s penis.

Tuesday, 17 December 2019 12:46

Weird National Briefs (12/18/2019)

Written by Allen Adams

Forever fruitcake

TECUMSEH, Mich. - Some families pass down jewelry, watches or even recipes. But a Michigan family has its own heirloom: a 141-year-old fruitcake.

“It’s a great thing,” said Julie Ruttinger, the great great granddaughter of Fidelia Ford, who baked the cake in 1878. “It was tradition. It’s a legacy.”

The cake was initially preserved to honor Ford. She established a tradition of baking the cake and letting it age for a year before serving it during holiday seasons. Ford died at age 65 before her 1878 cake could be eaten, and by the time the holidays arrived, the family considered her handiwork a legacy, not food.

Until his 2013 death, the cake was in the care of Ruttinger’s father, Morgan Ford, who was Fidelia Ford’s great-grandson. He had stored it in an antique glass dish on the top shelf of a china cabinet in his Tecumseh home _ which is where it remains today.

“He took care of it to the day he left the earth,” Ruttinger said. “We knew it meant a lot to him.”

Guinness World Records doesn’t have an entry for the oldest fruitcake, but as for cakes in general, the Ford fruitcake is nowhere near the world’s oldest, The Detroit News reported. That honor goes to a 4,176-year-old cake that was found in an Egyptian tomb, according to the Guinness organization. It is on display in a food museum in Switzerland.

TME – This story really takes the cake.

Tuesday, 10 December 2019 11:26

Celebrity Slam - Déjà vu, Steve Harvey-style

Written by Allen Adams

It doesn’t always take much to land a spot in this space. Depending on the week, it doesn’t necessarily require a whole lot in either fame or severity of offense. We’ve obviously had our favorites over the years – various celebs have enjoyed a few months of steady attention from us.

But then there are those who wind up making multiple appearances, but for reasons that are strange and/or unique to their specific circumstances. Those opportunities are rare, but we sure do enjoy them when they come along.

And this week, we’ve got one.

Remember a few years back when Steve Harvey did the whole thing where he announced the wrong winner at the Miss Universe pageant? Remember how ridiculous that whole situation was and how embarrassing it was for everyone involved? Remember how somehow, Steve Harvey didn’t get fired and kept the job?

Now, if that were you, the last thing in the world you would want is another mishap along those lines. One would think that you would be laser focused on making sure that nothing remotely resembling that humiliating moment would ever happen to you again.

But what if it did? Or at least, it looked like it did?

Tuesday, 10 December 2019 11:25

Weird National Briefs (12/11/2019)

Written by Allen Adams

Chimney creep

TUCSON - An Arizona man is facing charges after authorities say he tried to climb down the chimney with a bound in a vacant house - and got stuck.

KGUN-TV reports firefighters in Tucson, Arizona, rescued the man Friday after finding his legs dangling from inside the chimney.

Authorities say rescue workers were called to the scene following reports from neighbors who said they heard a man calling for help from inside the home.

Firefighters say they used a rescue ring and a rope on a crane to pull the man out of the chimney. Officials say the man is in his mid-30s and wasn’t injured.

Tucson Police say the home was vacant and the man was charged with trespassing and possession of a dangerous drug. His name was not released.

TME – Guess you could say he flue the coop.

Tuesday, 03 December 2019 13:26

Celebrity Slam - Sunshine on my … somewhere

Written by Allen Adams

Composing a weekly feature like Celebrity Slam isn’t always easy. Sometimes, we have to dig deep into the realm of celebrity gossip, looking for anyone, however minor, who might have said or done something worthy of our scorn. We have to accept that occasionally, the “celebrity” that we find will absolutely warrant those scare-quotes we put up around the term.

And sometimes, Josh Brolin gets a sunburn on his butthole and we remember why we love this job.

Tuesday, 03 December 2019 13:25

Weird National Briefs (12/04/2019)

Written by Allen Adams

Urine trouble!

NORTH BEND, Wash. - A movie theater in the small Washington city of North Bend was evacuated after authorities say a packaged labeled as containing a “highly contagious human substance” was sent there in error.

KOMO reports the package contained a urine sample.

Sgt. Paul Graham with Snoqualmie Police says the package arrived at the theater late Friday and the theater manager found a box with the labeled liquid inside.

The theater was evacuated, and local streets were closed as hazmat crews responded.

Graham says the package was supposed to have been delivered to a medical clinic in Tacoma. It was unclear how it ended up more than 40 miles away in North Bend.

Snoqualmie Police provide police services to North Bend.

TME – Rated Pee-Gee.

Wednesday, 27 November 2019 10:55

Celebrity Slam - LeBron lets one rip

Written by Allen Adams

As anyone who reads this space with regularity undoubtedly knows by now, we here at Celebrity Slam aren’t always the most sophisticated bunch. Yes, we like to tackle our scorn and mockery with at least a touch of intellectual elevation, but the truth is that we’re very much in touch with the … let’s just call them less mature aspects of our collective sense of humor.

That immaturity isn’t always fully present in Celebrity Slam week to week. Basically, it just depends on what sorts of items we’re exploring at a given time. Sometimes, the news of the week doesn’t really warrant us unleashing the full gleeful force of our childish potty humor.

And then sometimes we get a celebrity fart story.

Guess what we’re looking at this week!

Wednesday, 27 November 2019 10:42

Weird National Briefs (11/27/2019)

Written by Allen Adams

Doggie donuts

PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. - Florida authorities say they responded to a rogue vehicle spinning in reverse around a suburban cul-de-sac with a lone occupant inside: a Black Labrador.

News outlets report residents called police Thursday after seeing the dog trapped and clambering around in the car as it spun in circles in a Port St. Lucie neighborhood.

Police say they think the dog’s owner stepped away from the running car and that’s when the pet knocked it into reverse. Neighbor Anne Sabol says she watched the furry speed racer take out a mailbox and a trash can.

Sabol says the dog was in high spirits after being rescued, adding it “jumped out of the car, wagging his tail.”

Police stopped the joyride by punching a passcode into the driver’s door. No one was hurt.

TME – Now THAT’S how you chase your tail.

Tuesday, 19 November 2019 11:35

Celebrity Slam - Much ado about nothing

Written by Allen Adams

If you’re a regular reader of this space, you know that there are certain areas in which we particularly excel. We’re awesome at creating clever and memorable portmanteaux for celebrity couples. We’re awesome at coming up with snarky and derisive commentary about the missteps of famous people. And we’re awesome at exploring the specifics of celebrity beefs.

However, the world of celebrity beef is a surprisingly complex one. It’s all very delicate – an elaborate web of shade being thrown and offense being taken. The rules of discourse have always been complicated, but the introduction of social media has rendered it even more so.

That’s what makes stories like this week’s item so interesting. See, it’s a beef, only it isn’t a beef, because while it started as a beef, it wound up not being a beef at all. Unless it is a beef. But for right now, it does not appear to be a beef, though it’s subsequent beefiness may prove to be beefier than previously beefed.

Get all that? Because we’re not sure that we did.

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