Wednesday, 07 October 2020 11:41

Celebrity Slam - Hat's off to LaBeouf

Written by Allen Adams

One of the things we were mildly concerned about upon returning to this space in the midst of the pandemic was simply: Were people still going to be dumb in ways that we’re comfortable mocking? Sounds simplistic, sure, but really – scorn and derision lose a lot of their luster when things are terrible in a more general sense. Would the circumstances lead to celebrities engaging in self-reflection and exerting more care regarding their words and/or deeds?

Reader, they would not.

In retrospect, it was probably foolish to worry. Famous people are always going to be disconnected from reality to some extent – why would that change in a situation that in itself led to disconnect? Celebrities are going to celebrity, regardless of what may or may not be going on around them.

This brings us to Shia LaBeouf, a one-time staple of this space who seemed as though he at least partially got his s—t together in recent years. Now, we’re always rooting for our Celebrity Slam poster children to work through it; obviously, we love making fun of their stupid actions, but we’re not monsters. Ultimately, we want them to be happy. Besides – there’s always going to be a new dumbass.

But Shia gave us a gift.

Wednesday, 07 October 2020 11:39

Weird National Briefs (10/07/2020)

Written by Allen Adams

This week in criminal masterminds

PHILADELPHIA (AP) — Three men blew up an ATM in a Chinese takeout restaurant in Philadelphia while the establishment was still open but were unable to get any cash, police said.

The men entered the Golden Chinese/American takeout restaurant in northwest Philadelphia shortly after 9 p.m. Friday and ordered food, police said. They then placed some kind of explosive device which damaged the ATM and the window and knocked items off shelves behind the counter, police said.

The three went back into the establishment but were unable to remove the cash box that was still inside the damaged ATM, police said. The three then fled, one on a bicycle and the other two on foot. Police were searching for suspects and no arrests were immediately reported.

TME – Hard to believe such a well-conceived plan could go awry.

Wednesday, 23 September 2020 11:53

Celebrity Slam - Kanye's stream of consciousness

Written by Allen Adams

There are a few areas into which we don’t like to venture here at Celebrity Slam. We prefer to stay out of the political realm as a rule; we’re not here to get into fights, we just want to make fun of celebrities. Also, we try to avoid any situations that potentially involve dangerous mental illness issues; there are some things that just aren’t funny.

That combination of factors means that we haven’t seen as much of our old friend Kanye West in this space as we once did. Between his on-again off-again struggles with emotional balance and his independent run for President, he ticks both of those boxes.

However, good old Kanye recently went on Twitter and unleashed a rant that culminated in a bizarre and pretty gross video. What were the contents of that video?

Don’t worry – we’ll get there.

Wednesday, 23 September 2020 11:50

Weird National Briefs (09/23/2020)

Written by Allen Adams

Surprise snake

MCCOMB, Miss. (AP) — A woman in Mississippi received a slithering surprise when she got home from work last week: a snake that had been lodged on top of her front door landed on her head.

The encounter happened after the intruder made its way on top of Christina Mitchell’s door on Thursday, the Enterprise-Journal reported. “I felt this thump on my head,” Mitchell said. “I looked down and the snake had landed at my feet in the house.”

The newspaper reports the 10-inch (25-centimeter) serpent then darted to the kitchen while Mitchell called her husband to let him know about their new visitor. But she didn’t wait for help. She grabbed a broom and ushered the reptile out of her house in McComb, a city located about 80 miles (127 kilometers) south of Jackson.

“He did his striking pose because it was just a scared little rat snake,” Mitchell said. “He tried to bite at my broom whenever I put him outside. He probably thought that was really rude. We kind of had a stare-down.”

Based on the photo Mitchell took, her sparring partner looked like an Eastern Rat snake, a largely nonvenomous reptile, according to the National Wildlife Federation.

Mitchell was concerned since the animal had a large jaw, but she has been familiar with snakes since she was a child and says she would not go out of her way to kill an animal, even if it lands in her house.

“I actually really like snakes,” she said. “I think they’re fascinating.”

She also does not plan to move the pitcher plant, even though it might have attracted the snake.

“I just love my pitcher plant,” she said. “I feel like I’ll just take my chances and open my door really slow from now on.”

TME – Either move or burn down the house – those are your choices.

Wednesday, 09 September 2020 12:36

Celebrity Slam - Danbury doo-doo redux

Written by Allen Adams

As a rule, we don’t tend to revisit stories in this space. Most of the time, there’s so much nonsense going on out there that there’s no need to dwell on a single story. And yes, we have tendencies toward similar TYPES of stories, but it’s rare that we revisit the same situation. When we have in the past, it has usually been to dig into ongoing descents into madness – Justin Bieber’s misspent youth, Charlie Sheen’s stretch of ongoing lunacy, the Huffman/Laughlin college admissions scandal.

But hey – “usually” doesn’t mean “always.”

Those who read the last installment of Celebrity Slam were treated to the story of John Oliver and his inexplicable war of words with the city of Danbury, Connecticut. After going after the city HARD on his HBO program “Last Week Tonight with John Oliver” back in August, hostilities – sorry, “hostilities” – escalated to the point where the mayor of Danbury posted a video saying that they would be naming the local sewage plant after the comedian.

Happily, this fight is STILL GOING.

Wednesday, 09 September 2020 12:33

Weird National Briefs (09/09/2020)

Written by Allen Adams

Keeping his cool

MELK, Austria (AP) — An Austrian man beat his own record for the longest full body contact with ice cubes on Saturday.

Josef Koeberl managed to stay 2 hours, 30 minutes and 57 seconds inside a custom-made glass box filled up to his shoulders with ice cubes. More than 200 kilograms (440 pounds) of ice cubes were needed to fill up the box, after Koeberl stepped inside wearing nothing but swim trunks.

In order to fight the “wave of pain” caused by the freezing temperatures, Koeberl says he was trying to focus on positive emotions.

“I’m fighting the pain by visualizing and drawing on positive emotions so I can dampen this wave of pain,” Koeberl told reporters. “That way I can endure.”

A small crowd of people watched on as Koeberl beat his own record from 2019 by 30 minutes on the town square of Melk in Lower Austria.

After being taken out of the ice box by helpers he said that the sun felt “really great” on his back.

Koeberl is planning to beat his own record one more time — next year in Los Angeles. His team said that Koeberl’s personal record is also the current world record when it comes to exposing the body to ice for as long as possible.

TME – A clear misunderstanding regarding Netflix and chill.

Wednesday, 26 August 2020 08:58

Celebrity Slam - Danbury dumps on Oliver

Written by Allen Adams

Anyone who pays the least bit of attention to this space is aware of our proclivities here at Celebrity Slam. We like taking shots at famous people doing dumb things (the silly kind of dumb, not the hateful or hurtful kind of dumb). We also like creating portmanteaux for celebrity couples. None of this is a secret.

However, sometimes an item crosses our desk that doesn’t quite fit our usual patterns, yet still draws us in. And once in a great while, we get something that is illustrative of the Celebrity Slam ethos out there in the real world. Something where a regular person fully embodies the spirit of the Slam. And when we get one of those, well … you better believe we’re going in.

As you’ve probably guessed by now – we got one. And it is a doozy.

Wednesday, 26 August 2020 08:55

Weird National Briefs (08/26/2020)

Written by Allen Adams

Kangaroo crime

BERLIN (AP) — A tiny albino baby kangaroo has gone missing from a German zoo and authorities said Friday it’s possible she may have been stolen.

The kangaroo named Mila was born last month at the Kaiserslautern zoo in southwestern Germany and has been a star attraction. She was last seen in her cage on Wednesday morning, and wasn’t there when zookeepers closed down operations that night, police told the dpa news agency.

“We’re investigating in all directions,” police told dpa. “We can’t rule out that she was stolen.”

Zoo Director Matthias Schmitt issued an appeal to the public for help in tracking down the baby, who was seldom far from her mother’s side. He issued a photo of both together with Mila peering out of her mother’s pouch.

Schmitt said it seems unlikely that the small marsupial was snatched by a wild fox or other predator, saying there were no blood traces found anywhere.

The zoo has employed two hunters with dogs to search for the kangaroo, but so far they have had no success.

“The whole team at the zoo is hoping Mila will be found again and is in good health,” he said.

TME – You hate to see a joeynapping like this.

Wednesday, 12 August 2020 15:32

Celebrity Slam - Alias amorousness

Written by Allen Adams

As we ease our way back into the swing of things regarding Celebrity Slam, we find ourselves having to dig just a little bit deeper when it comes to finding items to feature in this space. The reality is that a good deal of our scorn and mockery is directed at famous people doing stupid and/or ridiculous things. But in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, the opportunity for them to do those stupid and/or ridiculous things is lacking.

Another all-time favorite here at CS is the celebrity romance. Specifically, we do so adore the opportunity to generate a portmanteau. We’ve done a number of these over the years, all of which hold a special place in our hearts (although I think we can all agree that “Hiddleswift,” created for the blink-and-you’ll-miss-it pairing of actor Tom Hiddleston and singer Taylor Swift, is our masterpiece).

But again – people are staying in more and sticking close to home, thus proving unable to make the love connections that result in new celebrity pairings.

However, what if the romantic fires flare up between two famous folks who already have a preexisting relationship?

Wednesday, 12 August 2020 15:29

Weird National Briefs (08/12/2020)

Written by Allen Adams

Purr-fect diplo-meow-cy

LONDON (AP) — Time spent in lockdown was just superb for Palmerston, the chief mouser at the U.K. Foreign Office.

It was so good, in fact, that the cat has decided to leave sorting out international affairs to the human diplomats and retire to the countryside after four long, hard years on the job.

Palmerston made it official in a letter sent in his name to Simon McDonald, the office’s permanent under-secretary, which explained that he wanted more time “away from the limelight.”

“I have found life away from the front line relaxed, quieter, and easier,” a letter signed with two paw prints said. It was posted on Twitter.

Palmerston, who is named after the longest-serving British Foreign Secretary, Lord Palmerston, arrived in April 2016 as a rescue cat. He had plenty of company, though sometimes less than smooth diplomatic relations with Larry, cat-in-residence at nearby 10 Downing Street. The two were sometimes seen fighting in the street outside the British prime minister’s home.

The letter from Palmerston, or @DiploMog’ as he is known on Twitter, said his service showed that “even those with four legs and fur have an important part to play in the U.K.’s global effort.”

“I have been delighted to meet representatives from all over the world, and I hope I have done you proud in putting the U.K.’s best foot or paw forward in such interaction,” the letter said.

His colleagues said he would be missed.

Jon Benjamin, director of the department’s Diplomatic Academy, wished him a “very happy retirement.″

“He left us a slightly chewed dead mouse next to my desk in @UKDipAcademy once,″ he tweeted, adding “we were of course not very grateful.”

TME – Such is life in the fur-eign service.

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