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Celebrity Slam - Wishy-washy

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Celebrities: They’re just like us.

You’ve probably heard that before, yes? This notion that famous people are still just regular people, only with lives filled with adulation/infamy and (probably) money? It’s an attractive thought, this idea that living a life in the spotlight doesn’t mean that, deep down, that person’s any different than us.

Hot nonsense, but attractive.

Celebrities are weirdoes. Their brains operate differently than ours do, cooked under the constant glare of our attention. This isn’t to say that they’re bad people – though plenty of them are – so much as to recognize that they’re not normal. They’re strange. If they’ve been dealing with fame and its trappings for long enough, they’re basically aliens.

Case in point: the number of them who readily, happily admit that they don’t believe in bathing.

If you happened to miss this little chunk of recent pop culture discourse, well … first, congratulations. Way to live a productive life. Secondly, let’s break it down for you.

This current conversation kicked off with Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher appearing on an episode of Dax Shepard’s Armchair Expert podcast. Apparently, they just … don’t wash their kids regularly? Like, Kunis talked about basically never washing her newborn and Kutcher chimed in with “If you can see the dirt on them, clean them. Otherwise, there’s no point.”

(Now, it would seem that the “point,” such as it is, would be to have not-filthy children, but that’s just a non-famous perspective.)

From there, Shepard and wife Kristen Bell went on “The View” and basically agreed with the take, though to be fair, it came off more as basic laziness than any kind of ethos – though Bell’s proclivity to “wait for the stink” seems a bit much.

Not to be outdone, already-kinda-weird Jake Gyllenhaal chimed in in a “Vanity Fair” interview, decrying the necessity of bathing and saying, “I do think there’s a whole world of not bathing that is really helpful for skin maintenance & we naturally clean ourselves.”

Now, there were some celebrities out there who leapt at the opportunity to make sure that all their fans knew that they weren’t out there all smelly and unwashed.

Chris Evans took to Twitter to make a joke about staying inside and never showering, only to almost immediately bail on the bit and proclaim that he does in fact shower every day, adding “I’m a very clean person!”

And honestly, what kind of weird online celebrity discussion would it be if we didn’t hear from Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson?

“Nope, I’m the opposite of a “not washing themselves” celeb. Shower (cold) when I roll outta bed to get my day rollin’. Shower (warm) after my workout before work. Shower (hot) after I get home from work. Face wash, body wash, exfoliate and I sing (off key) in the shower.”

(Now, three showers actually seems like it might be a bit much, though Mr. The Rock’s routine does make it sound like all showering is warranted. We’d guess that there’s a happy medium here somewhere, but rest assured: said medium involves actually showering.) 

Look, we’re not going to sit here and act like we’re some exemplars of ideal bathing habits. We’ve been known to skip a day here and there – maybe we didn’t have anywhere to be or anything to do and we just said to heck with it, you know? – but to turn it into some sort of point of pride is weird. Like, you don’t tell people you don’t shower. And you certainly don’t tell them that you don’t wash your kid’s a—until you start seeing cartoon stink lines emanating from their hindquarters.

It’s weird. Famous people are weird. Only when you’re a celebrity, it’s not “weird,” it’s “eccentric.” But still.

Whatever. We’re not going to tell anyone that it’s not OK to be smelly. If you want to be smelly, that is entirely up to you. Your odor is your own. But someone really needs to think of the children here. Kids are gross and need to be cleaned on the regular; it’s not their fault, and they make up for it in many lovely ways, but they are filth machines and you should wash them.

Maybe just not as often as The Rock.

Last modified on Wednesday, 11 August 2021 07:06

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