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Celebrity Slam - Tool of the trade

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We’re big fans of beef here at Celebrity Slam. It’s no secret – anyone who has spent any time reading this feature knows that we love nothing more than biting into a sizzling bit of grade-A celebrity feud tenderloin.

And we’ve been spoiled in recent weeks – there has been a lot of celeb-on-celeb beefing that has given us plenty of fodder. Unfortunately, there are no new Bieber-issued fight challenges to Tom Cruise this time around. It has been great, but alas – all good things must end. Or at least pause briefly.

That said, this doesn’t mean we can’t go back to the Bieber well again. Because here’s the thing: Despite being wildly successful and one of the most famous people on the planet, the Biebs has a tendency to be actively disliked by people. And when that active dislike comes from other famous people, well … we’ve got some beef on the grill.

This brings us to Maynard James Keenan. That’s right – this item about Justin Bieber springs from actions taken by the front man of Tool.

Apparently, Bieber recently went on an uploading frenzy on Instagram that included a post that featured lyrics from the 2006 Tool song “The Pot.” Keenan took umbrage with the notion that his music might be associated with the Biebs and so responded with a simple #bummer.

While Bieber didn’t respond – we assume he was coming up with yet another way to challenge Tom Cruise to do battle – his wife Hailey went ahead and defended her man, going off on Keenan on Twitter, writing:

“He expressed he was a fan of your music. Grew up listening to your music. You must be unhappy with yourself that you want to make people feel small who express their admiration for you. Very childish and hurtful thing to do. I hope u find security within yourself. Sad place to be.”

Yeah. That’s pretty much it. Told you it was a light week.

That said, we can still have some fun with this. There’s something hilarious about a dude like Keenan getting all bent out of shape when one of the popular kids expresses interest in his stuff. His whole brand is built on his edge, so having someone like the Biebs out there talking about liking Tool’s music must be kind of, well … scary.

Think about the existential fear that something like this might introduce into Maynard’s world. If someone as mainstream and vanilla as Justin Bieber likes his music, does that mean that he himself is now mainstream and vanilla. I mean, how edgy can you be if the Biebs is into your work?

And then to get dragged on Twitter by Hailey Bieber? Her dad’s a lesser Baldwin, man – it doesn’t get much lamer than that. And for that girl to come after him and tell him what a jerk he is? That’s the sort of thing that could induce some high school flashbacks.

(Sure, maybe Maynard had an enjoyable high school experience, but we’re comfortable with our hypothesis.)

Seriously, dude – we get that you’re trying to be the cool kid, but in what world would this possibly work out in your favor? This is a guy with legions of fans who blindly idolize him – why would you not let him steer them to your records? We understand that you have an image or whatever, but come on – it’s not like Tool is at the peak of relevance these days. That’s a golden opportunity to make some bank, flushed down the toilet because you think you’re a badass.

As for Justin, well … this is actually kind of nice for him. He gets to flex and show off some heavier music cred, and when the shade starts getting thrown, his lovely wife handles the clapback on his behalf. It all works out swimmingly for him, which is great, because he has plenty on his plate, what with figuring out how to MMA fight Tom Cruise or go Foxy Boxing with Matt Damon or dueling with pistols at dawn with Schwarzenegger or whatever the hell he’s looking to do next.

And that’s that. Here’s hoping that someone a little more interesting does something a little more exciting next week.

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