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Celebrity Slam - To boldly go ...

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Look, we’re going to level with you here – there are times when this space is defined by necessity. Sometimes, we might not be particularly enthusiastic about an item, but the cupboard is bare that week. Hence, we tackle an item we might not otherwise.

Other times, it’s an embarrassment of riches, leaving us trapped in our own Celebrity Slam Sophie’s Choice-type situation, knowing that no matter what option we choose, we will be left with some regrets.

(We’re also pretty adamant about keeping it light in this feature, so don’t expect to see us discussing Britney Spears and R. Kelly here; ultimately, it’s supposed to be fun and there is nothing fun about situations like those.)

So there are two stories that have captured our attention this week. One involves a musician getting booed at a concert (along with some other delightful details). The other involves a beloved TV star getting to engage in real life with a notion that made him famous in the television world.

The first is Machine Gun Kelly. The second is William Shatner.

Oh, hell – who are we kidding? Screw MGK, we’re going with JTK – James Tiberius Kirk!

The “Star Trek” fans among you likely already know this, but for the rest of you, here’s the news: Jeff Bezos has invited Shatner to join his Blue Origin crew this October for the company’s second space launch, which will make the 90-year-old actor the oldest man ever launched into space.

There are rumblings that there will be some sort of documentary attached to the happening, but that remains to be seen. Nor do we know how much Shatner is ponying up for his seat (if anything – Bezos is a smart enough guy to recognize the publicity goldmine he’s got here). But as of right now, yeah – Captain Kirk is for-real going into space.

Obviously, we had to write about this. There will always be famous idiots doing stupid things. Hell, we can probably count on good old MGK to give us a little something next week – dude’s been very busy out there, generally behaving like a complete nozzle – so why not celebrate something monumental?

Captain. Kirk. Is. Going. To. Space.

Honestly, we’re giddy at the mere idea of it. We want to know everything. How did the offer get made? Who approached who? Is 90 too old to go into space?

All we can think about is Shatner showing up to the launch in his full-on old-school uniform from the show, demanding that everyone call him “Captain” and making clear that he is the one in command of the vessel. Will they build a replica of the captain’s chair from the bridge of the Enterprise? Because they absolutely should. That needs to happen, like, yesterday.

And again, it needs to be noted that this is an absolutely incredible get for Bezos. You don’t get to be the richest man on the planet by being dumb, so it wouldn’t surprise us if Bezos sent the invite to Shatner just as soon as the first mission didn’t explode. You’ve got a damned spaceship, you put the most famous spaceship captain in pop culture history on it and send him up.

Hell, keep it going. See if Patrick Stewart is interested. You think Avery Brooks or Kate Mulgrew turns that ride down? Strap Scott Bakula into that bad boy and let her rip. Sure, those seats aren’t cheap, but can’t you just see Bezos wanting to collect the set? Send every “Star Trek” TV captain up into space JUST BECAUSE HE CAN? Absolute gold – if we’re eccentric billionaires, we do that s—t 100 times out of 100.

Look – no one is saying that it’s OK that space exploration has been twisted into the recreational domain of bored ultrarich d-bags. It isn’t. It undercuts the possibilities for real scientific discovery in favor of launching chodes into sub-orbit at $20 million a pop and is indicative of some larger societal problems.

But all that aside – you can’t tell us that if you were the billionaire space weirdo, you wouldn’t jump at the chance to be the person who shot Shatner INTO ACTUAL SPACE. You absolutely would. So would we. Cost would be no object.

Helping Captain Kirk to boldly go where only a handful of men (and women) have been before? Priceless.

Last modified on Wednesday, 29 September 2021 08:10


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