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Celebrity Slam - Thirsty Trainor

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We’ll be the first to admit that we don’t always get to write about stories in the timeliest fashion. We here at Celebrity Slam spend plenty of time combing the internet for delightful tales of celebrity weirdness and/or idiocy, but we’re only human. Sometimes, we miss something here or there.

One such story we missed was the cuckoo-bananas press release sent out by singer Meghan Trainor’s people in advance of her new EP, titled “The Love Train.” Obviously, the goal when preparing to release new music is to generate advance buzz for the project. You want people to be talking about what you’re bringing to the table.

However, there’s such a thing as too much. And while we’re not sure precisely where the line falls between enough and too much, we feel pretty confident that Trainor’s PR team landed firmly (and distantly) on the wrong side of it.

It’s SO over-the-top that mere snippets won’t do it justice. Hence, we decided to present it here, uncut and in its entirety. Enjoy.

“Valentine’s Day is around the corner, and whether you’re planning on smashing bae’s junk to smithereens or making out with a pint of Phish Food, you need some fresh Valentine’s Day bops to get you in the mood for L♡VE. And MEGHAN TRAINOR has got you covered with her new EP, THE LOVE TRAIN [Epic Records.]

“You know you want it. And you can freakin’ get it b*tch. On all digital platforms right HERE.

“Meghan’s seducing your ears this V-Day, and you know she knows a thing or two about romance. Unless your phone’s been broken for a hot minute, you know that Meghan just got married to the ginger from Spy Kids, and trust when we say, girl is feeling the love. She took a break from her busy schedule to record some fire tracks in Los Angeles alongside frequent collaborators and producers Andrew Wells [5SOS, Fall Out Boy, Jason Mraz], J KASH (Maroon 5, Charlie Puth, Kesha) and Tyler Johnson [Harry Styles, CAM].

“We know you want to hear songs about all the hot newlywed sex Meghan and Daryl Sa-BAE-ra are having (did you see what we did there?). Which is why you’ll love the banging single “All The Ways.” Billboard was wet for “All The Ways,” calling it “another fun, danceable track to fall in love with.” And would Billboard lie to you, girl?

“But perhaps the piece de resistance (that’s French for “Wig Snatch”) is “Marry Me,” a romantic acoustic guitar and ukulele-tinged Awww Fest which delivers all the feels (and then more feels). Meghan wrote the song thirty days after meeting Daryl, and it was so good that she walked down the aisle to it. We know, it’s a little bit #Vomworthy, but also, am I chopping onions right now or are those tears rolling down my face? I’m not crying, you’re crying.

“And as always, our Grammy-Winning, Diamond Single-having QUEEN didn’t just come to play -- she came to slay. She’s serving vocals on the passionate, Celine Dion-esque power ballad ‘After You.’ Plus, Meghan’s serving your insatiable thirst for dance-ready bops with the upbeat banger that is “Foolish.” It slaps so hard you’ll be stanning for days. “As if all the PDA, including foot massages, butterfly kisses and piggy back rides aren’t cringe worthy enough,” says her brother and videographer Ryan... “I’ve got to film it all!”

“Choo choo betch! The Love Train is leaving the station and you better get on board. Be on the lookout for more surprises very soon as she prepares for a landmark 2019.” 

Were we right or were we right? We’ll give you a second to recover.

Again, advance press is a major key to the success of any musical project. But this is the thirstiest thing we have ever seen. We’re not anti-horniness by any stretch of the imagination, but this is a bit much even for us. The naked desperation here feels off-putting and tryhard, as though someone in Trainor’s camp doesn’t believe the work can hold up on its own merits. It’s just bonkers through and through.

All that being said, give whoever wrote “smashing bae’s junk to smithereens” a raise, because that is one evocative turn of phrase.

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