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Celebrity Slam - Sweet smell of success

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Celebrities are all about that paper.

Now, we’re sure that there are some famous folks out there who genuinely don’t care about money. Granted, that’s probably because they’ve already got a lot of it, but still – not every celeb is about maximizing profit.

That said – a LOT of them are.

One such celebrity is Drake, who has long shown himself to be someone willing to do pretty much whatever so long as the price is right and the check clears. He catches a lot of flak about it, but at the very least, he’s up front about it.

But even an unabashed sellout like Aubrey Graham can go too far.

Last week, Drake announced that, as part of a partnership with a company called Revolve, he was releasing a line of scented candles. Sure, it’s a little weird that a self-styled hip-hop guy is trotting out branded candles, but we understand – business is business.

When it gets REALLY weird, though, is when you dig into what the candles actually smell like. Specifically, we’re talking about the candle called Carby Musk. The description claims that it features “notes of Musk, Ambers, Cashmere, Suede, and Velvet” – no big deal, right? Sounds perfectly pleasant. But the next line … oh boy, that next line.

“Actually smells like Drake – it’s the personal fragrance he wears.”

Drake even goes so far as to suggest playing the album that allegedly inspired the project when you light the candle for the first time – for the record, it’s “Midnite – Live in Eugene.”

The soy wax blend candle costs $80 and is one of five in Drake’s Better World Fragrance House line – Sweeter Things, Williamsburg Sleepover, Good Thoughts and Muskoka are the others. Of course, the most popular of the bunch is Carby Musk.

(Note: “Williamsburg Sleepover” sounds like either the name of a confidence game or something you should never look up on Urban Dictionary. That has nothing to do with any of this, but we felt it important to share.)

So we have some questions, obviously. First of all – are there really that many lunatics out there willing to spend a hundred bucks (tax and shipping) so that their living room can smell like Drake’s armpit? It seems like the sort of thing that a serial killer would do. Of course, Drake’s fanbase is largely comprised of teenagers and teenagers are in many respects idiots, so maybe they just want to light one up, hug their pillow and float away on the dulcet tones of “Hotline Bling.”

It seems like a weird flex, but the reality is that Drake has been working toward this kind of mass-marketing money-printing since he was rolling around the halls of Degrassi in a wheelchair. There’s no way the marketing team behind the Drake machine would have let this get out of beta if they didn’t know – not think, KNOW – that there was serious money to be made.

And Drake being Drake, he probably thinks that it is perfectly normal for people to want their bedrooms to smell like his aftershave or whatever. Look, if you’re already enamored of the smell of your own farts, it’s not that much of a leap to think a candle that smells like a mall’s leather goods store is a damned good idea.

Look, we’re not ones to get involved, but we’d like to take a moment to address the responsible adults out there in the world. Please please PLEASE don’t buy this candle that smells like Drake. If you want to throw your money away on other Drake-related bullcrap, then by all means go for it. But if people buy this candle – and it looks like they are, God help us – then we’re going to start seeing a lot more candles that smell like famous people. Drake is bad enough, but what happens when we get, like, a sandalwood-and-sweat scented Matthew McConaughey candle or something? Dear lord, what if Post Malone finds out about this? WHAT IF POST MALONE FINDS OUT ABOUT THIS?

Spend your money however you like, people. Just know that this is Pandora’s box that you’re opening, only instead of unleashing evils, you’re setting celebrity scents loose on the world. Think about it.

Smell you later.

Last modified on Wednesday, 09 December 2020 07:39

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