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Celebrity Slam - Sunshine on my … somewhere

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Composing a weekly feature like Celebrity Slam isn’t always easy. Sometimes, we have to dig deep into the realm of celebrity gossip, looking for anyone, however minor, who might have said or done something worthy of our scorn. We have to accept that occasionally, the “celebrity” that we find will absolutely warrant those scare-quotes we put up around the term.

And sometimes, Josh Brolin gets a sunburn on his butthole and we remember why we love this job.

It all starts as these things usually do – with a weirdo on Instagram claiming that some wild activity is somehow beneficial to your health. In this case, it’s the notion of sunbathing your undercarriage – specifically, your butthole, your business and the area in between. Apparently, getting some sun in that area does great things for your health. Oh, and 30 seconds of sunlight on your Down Under is the equivalent of a full day of sunlight with your clothes on.

This is obvious Online Weirdo territory, the sort of stuff that comes from people who don’t believe in things like “social conventions” or “science” or “not being insane.”

And yet, Thanos himself managed to fall into their trap.

Brolin posted on Instagram, talking about the mistakes that were made when he tried to engage in this practice. Rather than try to interpret his thoughts, we’ll let his words speak for themselves (you know, except for the expletives – we can’t print those):

“Tried this perineum sunning that I’ve been hearing about and my suggestion is DO NOT do it as long as I did. My pucker hole is crazy burned and I was going to spend the day shopping with my family and instead I’m icing and using aloe and burn creams because of the severity of the pain. I don’t know who the f**k thought of this stupid s**t but f**k you nonetheless. Seriously.”

He then added a number of hashtags to describe his current predicament, including #blackholefriday, #blackholesun, #severeperineumburns, #santamonicafiredepartment and – our favorite of the bunch – #a**holecare.”

It’s items like this one that make the lean weeks worth it, you know? It really makes up for the occasional barrel-bottom scraping. Because this might be our favorite story in recent memory, if we’re honest about it.

It’s got a legitimate famous person – Josh Brolin might not quite be an A-lister, but the dude was the Big Bad in a series of movies that made a kajillion dollars over the past decade. He’s not Tom Cruise, but he’s definitely famous. And it’s got that famous person behaving in a way that is both utterly outlandish and ultimately harmless.

For real – who burns their butthole?

We have to admit to delighting in the idea of Josh Brolin – a grown adult man who is not only a noted actor in his own right, but the son of Hollywood royalty as well – being the kind of person who sees a random Instagram post of a woman laying on a rock with her legs behind her head trying to aim the sun’s life-giving rays at her whatnot, reads the mumbo-jumbo claims of health benefits that might as well be pulled straight from the sales patter of a snake oil salesman and says “I gotta get me some of that.”

Celebrities – they’re just like us! Only dumber and more gullible!

Of course, this whole thing could be a joke. And that’s fine – it’s almost better if it is a joke. Because that means that Josh Brolin said to himself “You know what would be hilarious? If I went on social media and told the world that I crisped up my puckerhole because some nutcake Instagram influencer told me to!”

The best Celebrity Slam items are the ones that feature self-inflicted stupidity – and this is very much one of those. There’s nothing angry or mean-spirited about what Josh Brolin did. He didn’t hurt anyone else in any way. He’s just a guy who aimed his a—hole at the sky to try and get the sun’s nourishing, life-bestowing rays to take up residence therein because the internet told him to. It’s wonderful and pure and – and we can’t stress this enough – so very, very stupid.

But hey – that’s one way to trip the light fantastic.

Last modified on Tuesday, 03 December 2019 08:29

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