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Celebrity Slam - Splash me outside

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Ladies and gentlemen – we’ve got beef!

Now, this isn’t top-tier beef. We’re not talking A-listers or anything like that. That isn’t to say we’re lacking in quality, however. While we might not be dealing with brand names or anything, the truth is that what this beef lacks in familiarity, it more than makes up for in pure meaty trashiness.

It's Bhad Bhabie versus Iggy Azalea in this week’s faceoff.

This budding feud between “musicians” began like these things always do nowadays – on social media. Apparently, Iggy was talking smack about Bhabie (ugh, that’s such a stupid name – we’re just going to call her Danielle Bregoli because that’s her actually name), questioning why anyone would even go to one of her shows. Bregoli’s response was that Iggy should so she could remember what a sold-out show looks like.

(Solid so far.)

Anyway, things boiled over last week when the two found themselves in the same place at the same time. Specifically, they were both on the scene at the nightclub Boulevard3 in Hollywood. Bregoli was ready for action, attacking Iggy at the party and unloading a full drink all over her.

What followed was pretty standard: there was a lot of blah blah posturing between the two groups, with everyone talking trash and pretending that they’re actually going to fight. Bregoli’s security team “held her back” before taking her outside so she could shout at the paparazzi cameras and act like she’s hard.

(All of this is hilarious, because let’s remember – Iggy Azalea is a grown-ass woman, while Bregoli is all of 15 years old.)

To that end, the aftermath saw Iggy basically being the adult – for a given value of “adult,” at any rate – while still throwing some hilarious shade, talking about how she hoped there was no alcohol in that cup because Bregoli is “just a little kid” and heavily implying that the youngster’s tender age was the only thing preventing an honest-to-goodness fight.

One of the biggest downsides to working on this feature every week is the fact that it means I know who these people are. Danielle Bregoli is the idiot trashball who somehow turned being a garbage human on an episode of “Dr. Phil” into a life in which we’re forced to know who she is (though we’re just not down with “Bhad Bhabie” – it’s precisely the kind of name a self-important moron would give herself). I’ll admit to not knowing much about Iggy Azalea except that she’s also kind of a joke but less of a joke than Bregoli? We think?

Anyway, our job means we know about these people. The things they do are on our radar, like it or not.

Here’s the thing – as strange as it may seem, there’s no way in which this works out well for Iggy Azalea. She lost this game with her first move – engaging on social media. Danielle Bregoli is a fame parasite, someone whose entire value is built on associations with other famous people. By talking smack to her online, Azalea basically walked into a trap that wasn’t even set for her. OF COURSE no self-respecting human wants to experience whatever the hell a Bhad Bhabie show is; saying it is redundant. But by putting it out there, now Bregoli can swing back and latch onto your public profile and start sucking away. She’s half Azalea’s age and by definition exponentially better at being online.

And now that the beef has moved from the virtual world to the physical, Azalea is even more boned. Because yeah, she got a drink thrown on her – by a 15-year-old kid. Not only was she at a party where they let this moron in, she got straight-up punked for all the world to see.

And jaw at her crew all night, it doesn’t matter – you CANNOT FIGHT A 15-YEAR-OLD. You just can’t. Not only are there are laws in place, but there’s no planet on which the optics are anything other than terrible. Yes, Bregoli is objectively terrible. She’s also a kid. Disengagement needs to happen ASAP. It’s like in “WarGames” – the only winning move is not to play.

So yeah – beef between a wannabe and a hack. Welcome to our world.

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