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Celebrity Slam - Rock the boat

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By now, you’ve probably heard about the colossal container ship Ever Given that managed to turn sideways and block the Suez Canal in Egypt, crippling international commerce to a degree that no one outside the maritime shipping industry would have ever believed possible. You’ve probably also heard that the ship was finally pulled free and sent on its merry way after a six-day ordeal.

What you haven’t heard is how.

Oh sure, you’ve heard the bullcrap story that Big Ship is out here pushing, with all this stuff about rising tides and tugboats and all that noise. And we have no doubt that that is what they want you to believe, because the truth is something that none of them have any interest in admitting.

It was The Rock. The Rock did it.

Our hero happened to be in Egypt doing some location scouting for his upcoming “Black Adam” project – Black Adam being a DC comics character who derives his power from Egyptian gods and is set to headline his own DCEU movie next year – when the Ever Given got itself stuck due to an ill-timed sandstorm.

Now, the Suez Canal is a major shipping thoroughfare. Its blockage impacted the global shipping industry to the tune of some $9 billion a day in losses, so of course, people wanted that ship out of there yesterday. But as soon became clear, no one was at all prepared to deal with these unanticipated circumstances. Some efforts were made, but the sheer size of the ship made any effort to move it futile.

After a few days of flailing, the situation grew even more intractable. Every engineer and mariner that tried to tackle the problem was left throwing their hands in the air and wandering off in resignation.

Being the sort of well-informed person that he is, The Rock had obviously heard about the situation. And when word got back to him through his personal back channels, he decided to offer up his services.

(It should be noted here that The Rock is notorious in Hollywood circles for the depth of his preparation. He will devote himself to learning everything he can about a role before taking it on; of course, with his genius IQ and eidetic memory, he learns these things both quickly and permanently. When he made “Jungle Cruise,” he took it upon himself to educate himself about not just riverboats, but the entire history of nautical engineering.)

With the aforementioned knowledge of nautical engineering, as well as a PhD-level understanding of mechanical physics, The Rock was uniquely suited to assist in dislodging the Ever Given and getting the shipping lanes cleared and the flow of commerce … flowing.

Upon arrival at the scene, The Rock stood stock still for approximately 45 minutes, staring out from the shore up at the gigantic ship, chin in hand and eyebrow raised. Then, instantly, he was a blur of motion, shouting at his entourage to fetch “The Bar.”

As it turns out, The Rock has also dabbled in metallurgy. “The Bar” was apparently an experimental alloy of his own design, a 20-foot-long chunk of metal that he says “probably isn’t unbreakable, but no candyass force on THIS planet can do it.”

With one hand, he lifted The Bar that four people had struggled to carry to him. Silently, he leaped off the embankment beside the ship, dropping out of sight. Two minutes later, the screeching groan of metal on metal. Not a minute later, the Ever Given was pushed loose from the bank and finally, after a nearly a week, under way once more.

The Rock climbed back up the embankment, tipped the bystanders a wink and left the scene.

The great Greek philosopher Archimedes once said “Give me a lever and a place to stand and I will move the world.” Well, he said it in ancient Greek or whatever, but that’s the gist of it. It’s an elegant expression of the fundamental principles of leverage, to be sure.

You can bet that Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is WELL aware of the contributions that Archimedes made to mechanical physics, because he too has ways of using levers to move the world. Or at least, to get the world moving again.

Last modified on Tuesday, 30 March 2021 18:14

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