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Celebrity Slam - Pull hitter

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Believe it or not, there is rhyme and reason to the choices that we make here at Celebrity Slam. We do have specific ideas about the items we include in this space. Granted, we don’t always follow those ideas, but we definitely have them.

There’s some nuance to how we decide what warrants inclusion, but a straightforward way to think about it is this: the less famous a person is, the weirder/wilder their misdeed must be, and vice versa. Essentially, a Kardashian or a Bieber doesn’t have to do anything all that strange to get noticed in this space, but the lower on the celebrity scale you get, the higher the bizarreness quotient has to be.

This week, we’re talking about Toronto Blue Jays backup catcher Reese McGuire, so … it’s pretty out there. Literally, in fact.

McGuire was arrested last week after it was reported that he was sitting in an SUV in a public parking lot in Dunedin, Florida – spring training home to the Blue Jays, by the way – with his pants around his ankles. According to witnesses, McGuire was … working the count … pretty vigorously, even as cars drove into and out of the lot around him.

When police arrived, they found McGuire … gripping the bat … and arrested him for misdemeanor exposure. To his credit, McGuire was apologetic and contrite upon his arrest. He owned up to his guilt immediately and denied nothing; he was very cooperative.

According to the report, police found him with his sweatpants down and his shirt just barely covering his … equipment. When he got out of the car, he was visibly … ready to bat. When asked why he was in the parking lot instead of just going home, his only reply was that he “did not know, it just seemed like a good place.”

So there you have it. If you are MLB backup catcher-famous, then you need to get caught … delivering the signals … to make it into Celebrity Slam.

Look, we’ll freely admit that we probably shouldn’t find this as hilarious as we do. It’s pretty gross, honestly. And yet, the notion of this dude working through whatever it is he’s working through in the middle of this parking lot – in the middle of a spring training where he’s not even guaranteed to make the team, no less – only to get busted and have to get out of the car with no pants – we can’t help but laugh.

All that being said, we have some questions.

Where do you have to be to think that a crowded public parking lot is “a good place” for something like this? What was the sequence of events that led this dude to think, “Man, I had a good workout this morning. Batting practice was great. Maybe I should pull over on the way home and get down to business.” Apparently, when the mood strikes, he just picks a spot to … shag some balls.

And none of this addresses the question on everybody’s mind: If he bats left-handed and he throws right-handed … you get our meaning. Was he hitting or throwing?

It’s tough to imagine anything that could possible be more embarrassing than this. And one has to think that he’s probably going to be hearing about this for the rest of his career, assuming that he still has one. Odds are he’ll get shuffled off to Buffalo (for real – the Blue Jays’ AAA affiliate is the Buffalo Bisons), but who knows? Maybe he’ll have the stamina to make it back to the big leagues and stick.

And hey – anything is better than watching the Astros sign-stealing story continue to spiral into madness. It’s one of the bigger scandals in the history of the sport, one we’ll be talking about for years to come. If it takes a bench guy getting … caught stealing … in a parking lot for us to talk about something else – anything else – for a minute, well then … come on.

Not like that, though. You know what we mean.

All in all, it certainly brings a new meaning to the term “pitchers and catchers report.”

Last modified on Wednesday, 19 February 2020 08:20


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