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Celebrity Slam - Pratt falls

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It’s that time again, folks. We here at Celebrity Slam are once again getting the opportunity to do one of our favorite things ever. Now, it isn’t our usual scorn and mockery – this is not an item driven by derision. No, it’s a joyful thing – albeit one that we can still have plenty of fun with.

It’s another celebrity relationship! Two famous people have hooked up and have shown themselves in public as a dating unit! And you all know what that means!

CELEBRITY PORTMANTEAU TIME!

Our latest effort is going to revolve around Chris Pratt, whose marriage to actress Anna Faris ended more-or-less amicably last year, and Katherine Schwarzenegger, the daughter of action-star-turned-governor-turned-action-star Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver. The couple had reportedly been seeing each other for a while, but only recently made their public debut, even going so far as to give each other a smooch or two.

As you might imagine, we are incredibly excited for the opportunity to address this particular combination in all of its iterations. There are a lot of directions in which we can go, but it seems like there are more opportunities for weirdness than we usually see.

Obviously, we’re not going to be worrying about first names here. Chris and Katherine are perfectly lovely monikers, but combining them doesn’t result in anything even remotely fun. We’re not here for boring, you know?

Ah, but those last names. So good.

Really, you’ve got two choices. You can go with Schwarzenpratt or you can go with Prattzenegger. Both are OUTSTANDING. Seriously, like some next level portmanteau delight with either of these offerings. Strong, strong stuff.

After thinking about it long and hard, we’ve come to a conclusion.

Ladies and gentlemen, we give you … Prattzenegger.

Obviously, we’re not going to fault you if you want to go with Schwarzenpratt, because that is outstanding as well. We just feel a little more strongly about Prattzenegger.

This brings us to our follow-up, which is wondering just what it might be like to try and date Arnold Schwarzenegger’s daughter. There’s a lot of weirdness to unpack there.

First of all, there’s the fact that even at 71, Arnold looks like he could tear a dude apart with his hands. Sure, he’s not as strong as Peak Arnold, but that guy was a Terminator and fought a Predator, but Septuagenarian Schwarzenegger could likely take down any normal human.

Ah, but is Chris Pratt a normal human? We still have residual memories of doughy Andy Dwyer, but Chris Pratt rolls in the MCU these days. He’s Star-Lord, man – dude is ripped.

Oh wow – so we’re basically looking at what could potentially play out as a cross-universe battle between Star-Lord (and his fellow Guardians of the Galaxy, maybe?) versus Mr. Freeze (and let’s say some other members of the Batman Rogues’ Gallery). Who wins that fight?

Plus, there’s the whole fact that this hookup also makes you Kennedy-adjacent. Yeah, we forget, but Maria Shriver is part of the extended Kennedy clan. Is smart-mouthed Chris Pratt ready to be thrust into that particular sphere? Like, they’re the Kennedys, man. That’s something that is going to be tough to get your head around, regardless of who you are.

Yeah – this is one situation where meeting the parents is particularly tough.

So – is Chris Pratt ready to both do battle with one of the Dark Knight’s greatest foes AND play touch football on the lawn of the Kennedy compound on Thanksgiving? Can he make the switch from jet-packs and lasers to chinos and neck-knotted sweaters? It’s tough to say.

Sure, it’s early yet, but the reality is that when these sorts of famous couples allow themselves to be seen in public together, that’s a legitimately big step. Sure, there are the ones who flit in and out of relationships for publicity purposes, but this doesn’t appear to be that. He’s bringing his kids to hang out with her. At the very least, they seem to be treating this as if it is real.

We’re not going to sit here and tell you that these two are a forever thing. That’s not usually how this story plays out. However, we will say this:

Long live Prattzenegger!

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