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Celebrity Slam - Pork and beef

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Feuds between famous folks serve as a primary fuel source for this feature, right alongside celebrity romances. We love beef – the spicier, the better.

That said, there’s a wide variety of beef out there. The vast spectrum of beef ranges all over the map. Sometimes, you get two very famous people going after one another – that beef doesn’t have to be all that spicy to be noteworthy; megafame buys you a lot of leeway. The less capital-F Famous the participants are, the more outlandish the beef needs to be.

Every once in a while, though, you get one that is delightful for reasons that you never would have imagined. We’re not talking about Kobe or Wagyu – this is beef so precious and rare that there isn’t even a name for it. Magical beef. Transcendent beef.

And folks, have we got something for you.

By now, you’ve probably heard all about Kanye West’s new album “Donda.” It dropped amidst a bit of controversy, with all sorts of back and forth going on between Ye and Drake, who also had a new album. The two rappers took shots at each other, dropping diss tracks and generally being big old d-bags to one another. It’s fine, it’s part of the deal – hip-hop beef sells records, and neither of these guys is a fool when it comes to the business side of things.

But we’ve already talked about the Kanye/Drake beef. Good stuff, for sure – these are top-tier famous guys and they definitely felt plenty comfortable going hard after one another. And yet, somehow, this hasn’t even been the best “Donda”-adjacent beef to hit in recent days. What’s that? You can’t imagine how any beef could possibly outshine this particular conflict? You want to know what famous figure could engage in Kanye beef that would supersede Drake?

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you … Peppa Pig. Yes, really.

In what is simultaneously the most unexpected and most delightful turn of events in this whole ridiculously drawn-out saga, the official account of the beloved British TV series for preschoolers took to Twitter to point out the absolutely hilarious fact that while “Donda” got a 6.0 rating from Pitchfork, the new release “Peppa’s Adventures: The Album” … got a 6.5.

Yeah. Pitchfork absolutely rated a goofy record from a kiddie show higher than the most anticipated hip-hop album of the year.

The initial tweet, which featured images of each review side by side, was captioned thusly: “Peppa didn’t need to host listening parties in Mercedes-Benz Stadium to get that .5.”

F—ing SAVAGE.

While the account has since walked back the initial burn somewhat, there’s still a lot of gleeful quote-tweeting and celebrating the fans who are taking their own shots at Kanye.

I’m going to be real with you – I was pretty sure I was done with Kanye for a while. This particular album cycle has been lovely, giving us plenty of material. We’ve gotten a lot of mileage out of the lunacy surrounding “Donda,” but we figured that once the album was released, we’d probably be done for a while.

But come on – how can something like this not be addressed? Goddamned Peppa Pig is taking shots at Kanye out here; I’d be doing you, the reader, a disservice by not bringing it to your attention.

It’s particularly hilarious because while Kanye is definitely burned by this, it’s also an indirect hit on Drake, too. Think about it – that dude invested so much time in trying to diss Ye, only to have every one of his efforts rendered impotent by an absolutely brutal takedown delivered in a single exquisite sentence by the Twitter account for a children’s program.

Basically, Peppa Pig’s album is better than Kanye’s and Peppa Pig’s diss is better than Drake’s. I want all of you to sit with that truth for a while and recognize that while there are loads of terrible things happening in the world right now, this is a moment of beautiful perfection.

The hip-hop world is driven by outsized egos. So many of these identities are constructed on a foundation of deluded self-interest, swollen balloons of deluded self-regard. Thankfully, we have Peppa Pig, who loves jumping in muddy puddles and taking Kanye West down a peg … and she’s all out of muddy puddles.

Last modified on Tuesday, 07 September 2021 10:07

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