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Celebrity Slam - Oct. 10, 2012

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Hulkamania!

Hulk Hogan is perhaps the most revered figure in the annals of professional wrestling history. He was the main star during the WWF zenith that was the 1980s. Like so many of his fellow wrestlers, he also stuck around long after his physical peak had passed, putting in multiple decades of work in the squared circle. He has become a pop culture icon, a self-perpetuating, reality-show-starring fame machine. So what's the next step?

That's right; Hulk Hogan has a sex tape.

The tape surfaced online last week, featuring Hogan and a female companion doing the sorts of things that people do in these circumstances. Hogan immediately began threatening litigation always the first step in sex tape damage control if the video wasn't taken down. He also claimed that he was unaware that the filming was taking place.

The plot thickened, however, when Hogan revealed the identity of the mystery woman during an interview with Howard Stern. It turns out his partner in crime was a woman named Heather Clem who just happens to be the ex-wife of the Hulkster's best friend Bubba the Love Sponge (could there be a more perfect name for Hulk Hogan's BFF?). While Hogan insisted that he had Bubba's blessing, he did not have the blessing of his then-wife Linda; Hulk kept it classy by blaming her for his need to stray.

And of course, the porn companies have crawled out of the woodwork to throw money at Hogan, offering him huge amounts of cash for the honor of hosting the video on their respective websites.

Hulkster, we hardly knew you.

Seriously, just how deep does this rabbit hole of kinky weirdness go? You're really going to take a swing at your best pal's ex-wife? Even with Bubba's blessing (which adds its own unique patina of bizarre), that's messed up. And then to claim that the blame for your philandering should be placed at your wife's feet? Ridiculous.

We haven't even gotten to the part where you allegedly sat down with his kids to warn them about the possible existence of other sex tapes tapes that could be thrust into our consciousness at any moment. One is horrifying enough; what happens when there are more?

Dude, you need to fire your publicist. You might have been told that sex tapes are a great way for fading stars to reignite the public's interest, but there's a line. And brother, you crossed it.

Although if you made any reference to 'pythons,' it would almost be worth it.

Love triangle

Here's a word of advice for all of the young ladies out there: it might not be in your best interest to date Chris Brown.

Brown's girlfriend Karrueche Tran found out just how poor her choices have been after the singer recently broke up with her. Breakups are hard enough to deal with, but since we're talking about Chris Brown, you knew things were going to get uncomfortable and weird for everyone involved.

Brown and company inexplicably produced a slick video currently making the rounds of the internet about his reasons for breaking up with Tran. Surprise! It's all about Brown's former flame/assault victim Rihanna. In the video, Brown who by all appearances is absolutely hammered tries to explain himself to the world. With lines like 'I'm not trying to be a player' and 'I just care too much sometimes,' Brown basically tells us that he loves the two women (neither is mentioned by name, though images of both appear in the video).

We have a lot of fun here at the expense of wildly self-delusional celebrities, but wow. Who do you think you are? If you want to get back together with your former lady, I suppose that's fine (why Rihanna would ever even consider going back to him is a whole different conversation one that is far too serious to have in this space). But don't act like you're some wistful romantic who loves too much. Don't pretend that you're doing all of this crap because of how much you care.

It's the worst kind of disingenuousness, because we all know exactly what you are. We haven't forgotten, as much as you might like us to. No amount of arty black-and-white film and drunken self-pity is going to make you a good person.

Here's hoping Rihanna comes to her senses sooner rather than later. Maybe then, Chris Brown can make another whiny self-serving video about what a terrible human being he isn't.

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