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Celebrity Slam - Nov. 21, 2012

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This week in Lohans

Here at Celebrity Slam, we do our best to avoid going back to the same well too frequently. Making fun of the same handful of celebrities every week isn't necessarily our aim; the goal is to spread the sweet mockery amongst all those who deserve it. However, occasionally our hands are forced.

That's right, boys and girls it's the Lohans!

While we busted on young Lindsay last week for her bait-and-switch handling of her interviews in advance of her (apparently terrible) TV movie about Liz Taylor, she is only a fringe player in this latest addition to the Lohan legend.

Lindsay's dad Michael who has proven on numerous occasions to be a simply reprehensible excuse for a human being is back in the spotlight due to a recent TV appearance that can only be described as a 'Maury moment.'

Lohan went on the 'Trisha Goddard' show after agreeing to take a DNA test with regards to his possible paternity in the case of a 17-year-old girl who claimed to be his daughter. Of course, with Michael being the utter sleazebag that he is, it's no surprise that the result came back positive. This is after the girl's mother spent years claiming that Lohan was the father - even making multiple attempts to get child support but Mr. Class Act vehemently denied the allegations.

Long story short, there's a new Lohan.

Is there a viler toad than Michael Lohan out there? The dude spent years denying this woman's claim when he had to know that there was at least a chance he was the father. Of course, the fact that this young lady's 1995 birth year falls neatly between the births of his two youngest daughters only adds to the gross absurdity of the situation. It just makes all of his self-serving attempts to 'save' his daughter Lindsay that much more pathetic; at this point, there can be no doubt in anyone's mind that the only person that Michael Lohan cares about it Michael Lohan. He's a smug, entitled scumbag who stumbled into the spotlight on his daughter's coattails and will do literally anything to maintain his fingernail-hold on fame.

We only hope that the young lady in question will find some way to deal with the fact that a man-shaped lizard like Michael Lohan contributed half of her DNA.

Party like a rock star

Sometimes, the sheer excess of celebrity has to be, wellcelebrated.

Pop star Rihanna has made plenty of questionable choices over the past few years. However, if the rumors are true, her party plane is not one of them.

Apparently, Rihanna and a few hundred of her closest friends (that is, journalists, handlers, contest winners, hangers-on and Rihanna herself) are onboard a Boeing 777 that is whisking them all over the globe on a seven-day, seven-country promotional tour.

By all accounts, what was once an at least sort-of sedate outing devolved into celebrity anarchy. What was once relatively innocuous partying eating, drinking, and being merry has become an absolute madhouse. People are chanting and eating weird food. Apparently there are Australians streaking up and down the aisles.

This quote from MTV's Maud Deitch seems to capture the essence of the experience.

'[I]t now smells like a movie theater concession stand on the Rihanna plane and the people next to us just rolled up to their seats with tumblers filled with whiskey and then one of them promptly spilled it into his seat back pocket.'

And that, boys and girls, is how a $30 million a year pop star parties.

There's probably plenty of slam-worthiness here, but instead, we're choosing to embrace the Rihanna Plane for what it is a wonderfully post-modern extension and evolution of the rock star mythos first perpetuated in the excessive age that was the 1970s. Sure, we've always kind of known that this sort of unabashed hedonism is part of the world of big-time music; however, it's something altogether different to have it confirmed. These people have taken to Twitter and are sharing their experience with the world minute-to-minute. It's like a peek behind the backstage curtain, only instead of backstage, we're looking into the cabin of a massive jetliner.

Is this excessive? Yes. Is it ridiculous? You bet. Is it awesome?

Absolutely.

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