Posted by

Allen Adams Allen Adams
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

edge staff writer


Celebrity Slam Musings

Rate this item
(3 votes)

So we’re going to start this week’s Celebrity Slam off on a bit of a somber note, but please bear with up – it’s going to get weird and (we hope) funny as we move along.

Last week saw the passing of a true broadcasting great when Larry King died at the age of 87. King was known for many things – his conversational interview style, his ubiquitous suspenders-and-bow-tie combo, his plethora of marriages – but few who crossed his path over the years denied his contributions to the industry.

One of King’s longest-running offerings was his weekly musings column that graced the pages of USA Today for nearly two decades, from 1982 to 2001. It was a collection of quick hits and snippets, a collection of political, entertainment and personal observations loosely connected by a whole mess of ellipses.

This week, to honor Larry King, welcome to Celebrity Slam Musings, a loving parody of/homage to one of the greats.


Howdy folks, just a few random thoughts from your Celebrity Slam pals … I think that this Tom Brady kid might have a future in football … Say what you will about today’s action stars, but I’m taking Steve McQueen over Vin Diesel a hundred times out of a hundred … Homemade sauce is always just a little bit more special than store-bought … Chico Debarge recently pulled the “Don’t you know who I am?” by dropping his brother James’s name. What, was Zeppo not available?... If Elon Musk can build a rocket ship, why can’t he build a better mousetrap? … If I was a fighter, they’d call me the King of the Ring … I’m still not sure who exactly let the dogs out … I don’t care what anyone says – Tom Hanks seems like a nice guy.

It’s a shame that Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas ended things before I got to break out their couple name “Afflarmas” … No one ever sends handwritten thank you notes anymore, and I say good riddance … Sure, the Avengers are exciting in their way, but when is the MCU going to give us our Micronauts movie? … Be the person that you’ve fooled your dog into believing you to be … Beanie Babies will bounce back, mark my words … Rumor has it that Kristen Cavallari and Jay Cutler are maybe getting back together and I simply don’t have the energy to give a crap? … Marty Scorsese’s got at least one more Oscar in him.

The amount of wood that a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood is inversely proportional to the number of pecks of pickled peppers that Peter Piper picked … Anyone seen this “Tiger King” thing on Netflix? … If radar guns had been as accurate in his day, Nolan Ryan would have thrown 112 … Wishing a speedy recovery to my dear friend Dr. Dre, and I do mean Dr. – he didn’t spend seven years getting a PhD in Dre-ology to be called Mr. Dre … If whoever smelt it dealt it and whoever denied it supplied it, who actually farted? … Looks like drummer Travis Barker snared one of those lovely Kardashian girls – the beat goes on … Did you know Vermont senator Pat Leahy has cameoed in five different Batman movies? More like BAT Leahy.

Attention, Eve6 Twitter account – I do in fact like the heart in a blender song … That picture of Bernie Sanders in the mittens is like Frank’s Red Hot – you can put that s—t on everything … The best pizza place in town is never the one that bills itself as the best pizza place in town … Someone give that Tim Simons fellow his own television show ASAP … Mookie Betts bowls like Jim Brown played lacrosse … Someone keeps breaking into Miley Cyrus’s storage units – could Hannah Montana be next? … I sure hope that Spinderella can find peace with both Salt and Pepa … Whatever happened to Zach Braff? … Watching television on the internet is always going to be weird to me … Give me jersey cotton sheets over silk any day of the week … What the hell is a Ducktale? … I know it’s hard out there right now, but everything is going to be OK … Take care of yourselves, everyone.


RIP, Mr. King.

Last modified on Wednesday, 27 January 2021 13:38


The Maine Edge. All rights reserved. Privacy policy. Terms & Conditions.

Website CMS and Development by Links Online Marketing, LLC, Bangor Maine