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Celebrity Slam - Moby dick

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Anyone who reads this space with any kind of regularity knows that there are a few wells that we return to again and again. We love beef, obviously – the spicier the better. And if one or more of the parties involved is considerably more famous than the other, well … sign us up.

Another favorite topic of Celebrity Slam conversation is the celebrity romance. We sure do love it when famous folks wind up in relationships. We love speculating on how long they will last and on whether it’s a real thing or simply a publicity stunt. Of course, our absolute favorite is embracing the opportunity to generate celebrity couple names – we are known the world over for our love of portmanteaux.

But there’s one particularly rare beast out there that we have never had the opportunity to explore here in this space. In many ways, it is our white whale, a nigh-mythical being that combines our two favorite things into a single Slammable entity. For years, we searched, unsure if such a thing even existed, yet unable to walk away. We were Don Quixote, tilting at windmills on our fruitless quest. We were Ahab, obsessed over something that may well have existed only in the synaptic swirl of our half-madness.

This week, we found it. Ladies and gentlemen, it is real … and it is spectacular.

We speak, of course, of the ongoing saga of electronic music artist Moby and actress Natalie Portman. This unlikely pair is engaged in an escalating battle of he-said-she-said the likes of which we have never had the privilege to experience before.

On the off chance that you haven’t heard about this yet, here’s the situation. Moby’s memoir, titled “Then It Fell Apart,” came out to relatively little fanfare – after all, it has been a little while since the former EDM icon has been particularly pop culturally relevant. However, one claim within its pages propelled it to the forefront of people’s attention.

In the book, Moby claimed that he had once been involved in a romantic relationship with Portman – a relationship that took place when he was 33 and she was just 20. He wrote that he had “tried to be Natalie’s boyfriend” and mentioned that the two had spent time sleeping and smooching in Portman’s dorm room at Harvard.

Portman, who seemed equal parts mystified and skeeved-out by Moby’s claims, stated that she had indeed expressed an interest in Moby’s music in her younger days, only to quickly deem him “an older man who was interested in me in a way that felt inappropriate.”

(This is probably a good spot to mention that Moby’s math is off and that he was creeping on Portman when she was just 18. Neither age makes Moby look great, but the lower number makes him come off as just a touch scummier.)

In response to Portman’s denials, Moby posted some awkward and off-putting photos of the two together from that period in time – photos which did not at all prove what he seemed to think they proved and generally just made him look like even more of a creep. He eventually did an “apology” post in Instagram where he acknowledged that many of the criticisms leveled against him were valid while also never actually admitting that the two didn’t date.

Yeah … they definitely didn’t date.

If you’ve seen the pictures, well … you know what a creepshow this whole mess is. We’re not going to go so far as to call Moby a delusional weirdo, but the reality is this: the best-case scenario is that he dated a teenager when he was in his mid-30s. That’s not a great best-case scenario. And we can all agree that throwing this allegation into a memoir 20 years after the fact is unseemly – honestly, if any of this was real, one has to imagine that there would have been some sort of conversation before publication, regardless of any hard feelings connected to the relationship’s end.

Look, we want it to be true almost as much as Moby does. Seriously – a Portman portmanteau? A Portman-teau? We LIVE for crap like that. Dropping a “Portmoby” would be a dream come true for us. But here’s the thing – we deal in truth here at Celebrity Slam.

Moby? More like No-by.

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