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Celebrity Slam - May 9, 2012

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Batting practice

In the course of conducting the exhaustive research required to fill this space with the hard-hitting Celebrity Slamming that you've come to expect, we sometimes learn unexpected facts about the world of the spotlight-seekers.

This week, we learned that the Los Angeles County jail has a celebrity wing. While that makes a lot of sense, it was something that we'd never really thought about. It's also a place that by its nature makes for some interesting fellow travelers.

Which brings us to the story of disgraced doctor Conrad Murray, singer James DeBarge and former pro baseball player Lenny Dykstra; this might be the only time those three names ever appear in a story together, so enjoy it.

Dykstra is the newest addition to the celebrity wing, a spot where Murray and DeBarge have been living for some time. While the recent past saw Murray and DeBarge feuding behind those prison walls, (DeBarge had some angry words regarding Murray's involvement in Michael Jackson's death) the two have buried the hatchet and have found common ground namely, scorn and mockery directed at Mr. Dykstra.

See, Lenny has apparently taken to playing a little game in an attempt to amuse himself and others. The game such as it is consists of him draping a sheet over his head, poking a hole in it at about waist level andletting little Lenny out for some air. Murray and DeBarge have reportedly become quite close while making fun of Dykstra's weirdness.

It brings a whole new meaning to grabbing a bat and taking a few swings in the cage.

Perhaps the rules of incarceration are different for the famous fallen? It seems that an ordinary inmate playing this sort of 'game' would probably be dissuaded from doing so. But rules aside, what kind of whackadoo is Lenny Dykstra? What kind of lunatic spends his days in jail pretending to be Casper the Really Really REALLY Friendly Ghost? When guys like Conrad Murray and James DeBarge are deriding you because you're behaving crazily, it's probably time to reevaluate things.

But hey who are we to judge? Batter up.

No rehearsal for Rihanna

One of the things that makes Celebrity Slam work is the fact that famous people will always be selfish and self-absorbed. Not all of them, of coursebut a lot of them. That arrogant sense of entitlement unfailingly leads them to do and say things that reveal just how little they care about the world around them.

For instance, singer Rihanna recently made an enemy of 'Saturday Night Live' producer Lorne Michaels a notorious long-term grudge holder when she bailed on the final dress rehearsal for her performance on the show over the weekend.

Typically, the final dress for the musical act takes place immediately before the show in front of the studio audience. Rihanna called in sick and missed it; however, when she showed up for the actual show, she didn't appear to be sick at all. Her not-sickness proved shocking to both cast and staff. Producers acknowledge that they can't remember anyone ever skipping final dress in the history of the show.

Seriously, Rihanna? Just who do you think you are? Yeah you've had a couple of hit songs and you've got a crappy blockbuster movie coming out. Big deal. You know who showed up for their SNL' rehearsals? David Bowie, Bob Dylan and Paul Simon did. So did the Rolling Stones and the Talking Heads. Ditto Queen and the Cars. Elton John and Paul McCartney managed. Even your favorite d-bag Chris Brown showed up for rehearsal. But not you you probably had some tweets to send or something.

How entitled can you be? It would be one thing if you were actually ill, but by all accounts, you were not. You were just too lazy/disinterested to bother and you figured that since you're so g-d special, no one would call you out on it. It's sad how a little success can go straight to someone's head. There's no denying your musical talent, Rihanna it's just too bad that your character doesn't seem to match it. The final dress is part of the deal and you knew that; you've done the show before after all.

And hell, Keith Richards made it rehearsals and he's been dead for 25 years. You have no excuse.

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