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Celebrity Slam - June 26, 2013

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Jump jumped

We've long known that fans of particular musicians can take their devotion to dizzying and disturbing heights. Recent years have shown us that fandom can make people do some bizarre things. But sometimes, stuff just gets weird.

Pop 'star' Aaron Carter found out the hard way that some fans don't take kindly when you musically intrude on the turf of their idols. Carter was in Boston in advance of an upcoming show when he allegedly got jumped by four men. However, this wasn't a robbery this was a territorial dispute. According to Carter, the men approached him while one of them shouted 'I heard you're doing a show here tomorrow. This is the town of the New Kids.'

(That's New Kids on the Block, on the off chance you didn't know.)

Carter posted pictures of the aftermath on Instagram, with images showing a black eye and a badly bruised hand. His story is that he fought off the four men before they jumped into a gold Chevy Malibu.

Some choice quotes from Mr. Carter:

'I think my knuckles might be broken, but that's what they get.'

'People think I'm a pretty little white boy but no way.'

'I'm a 6th degree black belt in Muay Thai. They lost.'

There are no words.

This story could go one of two ways, either of which is absolutely awesome. One: Aaron Carter is a lying punk who is trying desperately to establish some bad boy bona fides. Two: There are actually roving gangs of NKOTB fans roaming the streets of Boston looking to defend the honor of Jordan, Jon, Joey, Donny and Danny.

I honestly can't say which I'd prefer.

I'm sorry you got jumped, Aaron (though I'm not necessarily sold on your story just yet). But is taking to the internet to proclaim what a badass you are really the right course of action? Perhaps contacting the authorities would be a better move? And while your 'black belt' is nice and all, it isn't going to do you much good when some dude pulls out a shiv and starts stabbing you while humming 'Hangin' Tough.'

And if those dudes are real? That might be the saddest thing I've ever heard in my life. Calling them misguided doesn't do it justice; these dudes are flat-out confused.

In closing, all I can say to Sully, Murph, Little Murph and Sully 2 is this: those One Direction punks are getting a little big for their britches.

What's in a name?

Yes, we know that we addressed the Spawn of Kimye in this space last week. We're not fans of returning to the same well in consecutive weeks unless absolutely necessary. But then they went ahead and actually announced the baby's name. It's North. North West.

There is no way on God's green Earth we could let that slide. Come on we're not made of stone.

It's not enough that this kid is going to spend every waking hour of its life with multiple cameras pointed at it at all times, with parents that will inevitably grow tired of it once the attention for having it wears off. No, they have to go so far as to make a lame joke with the kid's name.

North West? Really? I mean, good on them for resisting the temptation to saddle the poor girl with some ridiculous manufactured stripper-sounding K-name like Kappuccino or Kandelabra you can't tell me those options weren't both on the table at some point but it isn't like North is a whole lot better.

When Michael Jackson did a better job of naming his kids than you, you've made some mistakes.

Also, here's a delightful aside that offers a succinct glimpse at the inner workings of the Kimye mind. Apparently, Kim has decided to use her baby as a tool to determine who her real friends are (Hint: It's none of them. None of them are your friends.) She sent decoy baby pictures to people about whom she harbored suspicions to see who would try to sell them.

Let me repeat: decoy baby pictures. The combination of narcissism and paranoia required to even hatch such a scheme let alone carry it out boggles the mind. And of course, someone did indeed try to sell them. Which clearly is no big surprise, since you felt the need to come up with the plan in the first place. Maybe instead of convoluted plots, maybe you should get better friends.

Best of luck, little North West. You're going to need it.

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