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Tim Bissell Tim Bissell
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Celebrity Slam - July 11, 2012

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New Idol Judges 

I don't watch much Reality TV, and when I do, it is usually something on the cable networks. Im more of a 'Dirty Jobs' or 'Storage Wars' guy than an 'Idol' or 'DWTS' guy. This doesn't mean that I don't have opinions about those shows, however.

The buzz right now is about who the next 'American Idol' judges will be. Some are saying Charlie Sheen, some are saying Adam Lambert. The answer is plain as day. 

Look, as I said, I don't watch it, but I can tell that the show has lost its edge since Simon left. They need to fill the void with someone as abrasive and snotty as he was. Steven Tyler and J-Lo can't fill those shoes. You not only need someone who will put these budding starlets in their place, but someone who has years of experience doing so.

If you couldn't tell, I have someone in mind (Well, someones, actually). Statler and Waldorf, the surly old dudes who sit in the balcony on the Muppet Show!

This move would not only be the most ingenious reality TV judging based decision of all time, but it would help break down the barrier for puppets everywhere to enter the human-dominated realm of reality TV. Honestly, just think of the possibilities. Cookie Monster on 'Man vs. Food', Elmo on 'The Apprentice', Jeff Dunham's redneck dude on 'Swamp People'. This could be just what reality TV needs to suck less (or at least suck in a different way). Can't hurt, right?

They Aren't Getting Back Up Again

OK, now be honest, who knew that the British one-hit-wonders Chumbawamba were still around? I would have guessed that they broke up sometime right around the 'dot-com bubble,' but no, they literally just broke up this week. Seventh grade me doesn't know how to feel about this.

The band who brought us the anthemic song of persistence, 'Tubthumping,' has called it quits after 30 years of making music. Though most people only know them for that one song, it appears they released 15 albums over their 30-year career. Talk about persistence.

Although we couldn't reach the band for comment (we didn't actually try), we can only imagine that they will take this opportunity to drink a whisky, vodka, lager or cider drink, and sing songs that remind them of the good times.

Local-Celebrity Slam

Local heartthrob and bon vivant Allen Adams has taken the plunge.

In a private ceremony in a small coastal town in Maine, the renowned staff writer at Bangor's preeminent weekly paper, The Maine Edge, exchanged vows with longtime girlfriend Sheridan Kelley. The ceremony was said to be quite enjoyable although temperatures inside the facility approached 90 degrees.

Due to only being granted limited access, our reporter left the scene soon after the ceremony ended but area police reports confirm that the reception lasted well into the afternoon and evening hours. No arrests were made, we assume due to the groom's high standing in the community. And bribes.

Last modified on Wednesday, 11 July 2012 11:42


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