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Celebrity Slam - Jay Cutler sucks

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Generally, when we address items in this space, we tend toward the negative. We jeer, we scorn, we mock – it’s sort of our whole deal.

But sometimes we’re presented with something … different. Something that doesn’t really seem to match up with the usual Slam-tastic experience. Something that doesn’t warrant any kind of negativity on its face but is so random and/or just plain weird that we find ourselves unable to resist it siren song.

And so, we’re going to talk about Kristen Cavallari and Jay Cutler.

For those of you who are unfamiliar (which, you know, good for you), Cavallari and Cutler star on the reality show “Very Cavallari.” She came to fame with a role on MTV’s increasingly-ancient show “The Hills,” while he spent over a decade as a quarterback in the NFL.

Now, there’s probably some stuff from this show that would warrant the full-on Celebrity Slam treatment. We had some fun at Cavallari’s expense back in the day; an extra 10 years in the C-list spotlight probably hasn’t made her a BETTER person. And Cutler was notorious for the omnipresent aura of not giving a s—t that surrounded him for his entire playing career.

But we’re talking about something different.

On a recent episode of the show, Cavallari discussed some of her maternity issues with some friends. Specifically, she talked about the fact that, while breastfeeding, she developed a severely clogged milk duct. No big deal, right? We’re all friends here.

No, it was the solution that’s the weird part.

“Jay had to get them out for me, sucking harder than he’s ever sucked … and you know what? Saved my life.”

Yeah … so there’s a fair amount to unpack here. We’ll start with this: It seems a little strange to talk so cavalierly about something like this. Obviously, there’s no judgment with regards to the act itself – you gotta do what you gotta do, and we can only imagine how painful a clogged duct might be – but that seems like the very definition of oversharing. Again, that’s pretty much how reality television works, so we probably shouldn’t be surprised.

And hey – we already knew that Jay Cutler sucks. You wouldn’t know it to look at his stats – he had solid numbers over the course of his 12 years in the league – but he definitely sucks. Just ask anyone who spent any amount of time watching him lead the Chicago Bears through a monotony of mediocrity. If you could magically transform a shoulder shrug into an NFL quarterback, you’d get Jay Cutler.

All that said, this wasn’t about football. Which is probably why he was able to come through in the clutch. Because make no mistake – he definitely came up big. He stepped up and did what he had to do to ensure his wife’s health and comfort. He might not care about wins and losses or his team or his teammates or his own personal performance, but he does care about his wife.

Again – super weird that this is a story that we now know. Incredibly weird. But it’s the relating of the story that we find strange, rather than the content. Frankly, it’s interesting to have anecdotal evidence of Jay Cutler giving a crap about someone. And we get that it was probably a tough experience for her and that she might want to share it with people close to her. We’re not naïve – we get how reality television works. And yet – this seems a little extra.

Anyway, remind us to never go out to dinner with Kristen Cavallari – it’s hard telling what sort of TMI experience you might wind up sitting through once the cameras start rolling.

(Note: We feel as though we’d be doing you a disservice if we didn’t include it, so here you are - the increasingly-regular College Admissions Scandal update! While Felicity Huffman has already entered a plea and is well on her way through the legal system, Lori Loughlin and her husband are reaping what they sowed as far as their holdout. They’ve pleaded not guilty to the more serious charges, but the reality of the situation appears to finally be sinking in, i.e. she’s going to jail.)

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