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Tim Bissell Tim Bissell
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Celebrity Slam - Jan. 23, 2013

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Lance's lies

The American people are a fairly forgiving bunch. While individual scandals are often marked with a whirlwind of initial outrage, the furor usually dies down eventually. The person or persons involved in said scandals will often curry a return to favor at some point it might take a while, but chances are decent that if we loved you once, we can love you again; call it 99 times out of 100.

Welcome to the 1%, Lance Armstrong.

The controversial cyclist finally broke down and admitted to using blood doping, performance-enhancing drugs and just about any other weird thing that he could put in his body to gain an unfair advantage over his competitors. The seven-time Tour de France champion made his confession in an interview with Oprah Winfrey, aired over two nights on Winfrey's OWN cable network.

This confession comes after a years-long effort by Armstrong to discredit and/or bully anyone who dared imply that he may have been involved in anything unseemly. Despite a full awareness of his own guilt, Armstrong was haughtily dismissive of the naysayers and mercilessly litigious toward those who continued to push for what turned out to be nothing but the truth.

Better late than never? Hardly.

Whether you personally are a fan or not, there's no denying that in this country, sports matter. The inspiration that the population draws from success stories like the one Armstrong has been peddling for the past decade is real and significant. Even as the evidence has piled up the eyewitness accounts, the suspensions, the rushed 'retirement' Lance Armstrong still had defenders; defenders who had fallen in love with the narrative and refused to believe that their hero had lied to them.

Surprise! He totally lied to you!

We now know that literally nothing that comes from Lance Armstrong can be trusted. Not even his reasons for finally coming clean; there's no doubt that there is some deep selfishness behind even this act of seeming contrition. It's remarkable to think that the man behind a wide-ranging charitable organization such as Livestrong was performing even that act of philanthropy while harboring ulterior motives. Ten years of lies will cause even the noblest deeds to lose their luster. Rest assured that no matter what Armstrong's true motives were for fessing up, they were undoubtedly purely selfish ones.

Frankly, the Armstrong outrage would be considerably lessened had he not been such a complete and utter nozzle about it for such a long time. It's not just about him think of the many lives to whose ruin he has contributed either directly or indirectly via his assorted angry denials. These are people that were crushed under Armstrong's solipsistic onslaught. His self-involvement was so severe that even he himself began to believe the lie. That is, until the walls began crashing down as they inevitably will.

Even now, there's the occasional whiff of the 'everybody was doing it' justification; it's just one more a-hole arrow in the Armstrong quiver. Regardless of where you stand on the subject personally, the truth is that the actual cheating has very much taken a back seat to the fact that he lied. He lied in the biggest, ballsiest possible way. It's not so much the deed itself, but the inability to accept responsibility for said deed that has turned the world against him.

For all his many faults, Lance Armstrong's biggest crime at least in the court of public opinion was making us believe in the man he never was. We are always hardest on the heroes who fail to measure up.

Can't quit you, Zack

In lighter news, a recent story from TMZ has piqued our interest in a major way.

A cameraman from the company caught up with former 'Saved by the Bell' star Mark-Paul Gosselaar as the actor was leaving an LA steakhouse. Gosselaar was asked about 'Girl Meets World,' the upcoming revamp of 90s television touchstone 'Boy Meets World.' Gosselaar said he'd probably watch the show, but it was his follow-up that got our attention.

You see, he said that if 'Girl Meets World' is good'maybe we'll do a reunion as well.'

We'll just let that sink in for a second.

Getting the Bayside High gang back together could easily be one of the greatest television events of our time. This not a time for jokes, man if you're teasing us about this, it will not end well. Seriously give us fondue parties with the Morris family and the Slater-Spanos. Hell, throw in creepy Uncle Screech if you want. We don't care.

You just better not be toying with our emotions, Zack Morris.


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