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Celebrity Slam - J-Lawfully wedded wife

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Obviously, our mission here at Celebrity Slam is to hold forth about our favorite famous folks, hitting them with all the derision and mockery that we can come up with. It’s why this feature exists, and it’s a job we take very seriously.

However, regular readers of this space know that we aren’t ALWAYS making fun of famous people. Sometimes, we go out of our way to celebrate their love – y’all know we love us some celebrity couple portmanteaux.

And sometimes, well … sometimes we get the rare privilege of doing both.

First things first – let’s talk about Jennifer Lawrence. Specifically, let’s talk about the fact that she got hitched this past weekend, tying the knot with a fellow by the name of Cooke Maroney. Yes, that’s his real name.

We don’t know a ton about Cooke Maroney, other than the fact that his name makes it sound like he played lacrosse at Williams and/or served as the second-best henchman to the bad guy in straight-to-video National Lampoon movie. Apparently, the dude grew up on a farm in Vermont after his art dealer dad decided to bail on the Manhattan rat race.

Weirdly, he followed his dad into the art world, moving through a variety of jobs for which he was almost certainly totally the best, most-qualified applicant; there’s no way his dad’s past life as Head of American Paintings at Christie’s had anything to do with his rapid ascent into the upper echelon of New York gallerists.

Anyway, the two got married in a ceremony in Rhode Island. By all accounts, it was a lovely affair.

In the interest of equal representation, we have to bust on J-Law just a little bit as well. Happily, she gave us an exquisite reason to do so.

She had a custom-made Christian Dior wedding dress, a by-all-accounts spectacular number that was absolutely lovely. That in and of itself doesn’t warrant any special attention on our part. However, the situation surrounding the dress before the ceremony certainly does.

See, the dress got its own hotel room.

Yeah. Lawrence’s dress had its own room in the historic Hotel Viking in Newport ahead of the day. A private room all to itself so it could, whatever, think about the big day ahead without interruption? Who knows what kind of shenanigans might have taken place if the dress didn’t have its own room so it could rest up ahead of the nuptials?

We’re sure there was some sort of rationale behind giving the dress its own room, but from the outside looking in, it sure does seem that this is a prime example of rich weird celebrities being rich and weird for reasons beyond the understanding of us muggles.

No word on whether Cooke’s tuxedo – also Dior, for what it’s worth – got its own private room as well, or if it just had to double up and bunk with one of Cooke’s old NYU pals, probably a chud named Worthington Sleeve or Regatta Boatshoe III or some such nonsense.

Of course, we wish these two nothing but the utmost happiness as they go forward with their lives together. Finding a love that you want to hold onto forever is no small thing; it’s wonderful anytime anyone is able to get to that place.

That said, it sure does irritate us that J-Law

  1.     Married a non-famous person, and
  2.     Chose someone with a name ill-suited to portmanteau

Seriously – what can we even do with this mess? Jooke? Maronence? Lawroney? None of those have the sort of melodic sound that we seek. Not that it matters, because Cooke’s lack of fame makes it so that people wouldn’t know what we were talking about even if there was a name that didn’t look and sound terrible.

It’s always mildly surprising when a movie star marries a non-famous person. It raises all manner of questions regarding how their relationship started and how it progressed to the point of marriage. It’s even more surprising when the non-famous person has no connection to show business and isn’t a billionaire’s kid or something.

But really, they’re just like us – getting married in a mansion in Rhode Island in front of 150 wildly famous people after getting the wedding dress a private hotel room.

Last modified on Tuesday, 22 October 2019 09:08


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