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Celebrity Slam - Homewrecking ball

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Our love for celebrity romances knows no bounds here at Celebrity Slam. Anyone who reads this space with any kind of regularity is aware that we derive great joy from the creation of famous couple portmanteaus. We love them so much, in fact, that we often find ourselves unable to address the endings of those relationships. Really, we’re just big softies. Romantics at heart.

But here’s the thing: we’re only human. And sometimes, one of these breakups blows up in such a spectacular fashion that we would not be doing our due diligence if we didn’t at least kick the tires.

And so we arrive at the ongoing breakup saga of Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth.

Many of us found out about this split not long ago. It was a bit surprising, actually; it seemed as though the two of them (Miam? Cyworth? Oh, what the hell, it doesn’t matter anymore anyway) genuinely cared about one another. Regardless, it was apparently over for a while before the world really got wind of it. It was kind of sad to think that they weren’t able to work it out, and so we left it alone.

And in the first days, that seemed like the right play; things seemed to be fairly low-key and civil, without a whole lot of nastiness or weirdness.

But then, man oh man, did it ever get nasty and weird.

Each side is painting a significantly different picture with regards to what led to the breakup. On Miley’s side, they’re saying that she tried desperately to save the marriage, but that the relationship simply couldn’t overcome Liam’s heavy drinking and drug use. Liam’s side vehemently denies these claims; they’re saying that the union ended due to infidelity on Miley’s part.

Both sets of sources are relaying this information through TMZ, because that’s the world that we live in now and we should all probably just get used to it.

Meanwhile, Miley is apparently gallivanting around the world with Kaitlynn Carter; photos of the pair making out in Italy surfaced last week, which is really what set this whole cycle into motion. Word from Liam’s people is that he was really hurt and blindsided by the pics. Her camp claims that the relationship had been over for months, but his side begs to differ (though he was photographed sans wedding band weeks ago, so who can say).

As a delightful added wrinkle to this whole mess, Carter had only recently broken up with beau Brody Jenner, who has in turn already started rebounding with Josie Canseco, daughter of former MLB star and steroid snitch Jose Canseco.

So – Miley is currently making the rounds with Kaitlynn, who broke up with Brody, who has now moved on to Josie. Oh, and Liam is basically just hanging out in Australia with his brother and some buddies. Got all that?

Look, we really weren’t going to do this. We figured that if it all came to an amicable end, why force some sort of snarky commentary into the mix? We’re jerks, but we’re not JERKS, you know? But now, this is all so next-level that we simply can’t avoid it.

This is vintage Miley, the sort of thing we got from her back in the day when she was a big old trainwreck and semi-regular visitor to this very space. And for there to be involvement from multiple cast members of “The Hills” is just … it’s magnificent. Very retro. It’s like we’re writing this in 2008. How can we NOT address this?

Of course, the standard “he said, she said” attitude applies. We’re never going to really know how exactly this played out. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle – it usually is. But there’s no denying the throwback vibes here.

Obviously, we wish nothing but the best for all parties involved. You hate to see things get ugly like this, particularly when you’re talking about a relationship that was off and on for basically a decade. We’re all for scorn and derision, but 10 years is a long time – it’s a shame that something like that has to come to an end, particularly in such a public and confrontational fashion.

That said, for the record? #TeamLiam all the way.

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