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Celebrity Slam - Hogs don't lie

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We’ve been hearing a little bit from you folks in recent weeks. You’ve been sharing your thoughts – well, your complaints – about the direction in which this feature has been going. You claim that we’re getting soft, that more and more often, we’ve been addressing feel-good stories in this space rather than taking the rich and famous to task for their idiocy.

And honestly? You might be right.

The reality is that a lot of the celebrity lunacy out there isn’t really appropriate for the kind of snark we bring to the table. There are certain subjects that we don’t think are funny and certainly don’t merit the usual off-color scorn and derision we bring to the table. So yes, we have been taking things in a lighter direction as of late. Sorry about that.

That said, this week’s item might give you something to think about.

We’re going to be talking about Shakira. Specifically, the fact that last week, she and her kid were attacked by a pair of wild boars in Spain. The boars also stole her purse, according to the pop singer.

Oh, we have your attention now, do we?

Here’s the story as she related it via Instagram videos. Apparently, Shakira and her eight-year-old son were walking in a park in Barcelona when the boars attacked her. The boars then apparently snatched her purse and ran off into the woods with it. It seems that she was able to get the bag back from the animals, but not before they destroyed it.

“Look at how two wild boars which attacked me in the park have left my bag,” she said in a video, brandishing the now-ruined bag as punctuation. “They were taking my bag to the woods with my mobile phone in it. They’ve destroyed everything.”

She then turned to her son: “Milan, tell the truth. Say how your mummy stood up to the wild boar.”

Further details on the attack have been limited, though there have been no reported injuries.

Now, are you going to sit there and tell me that you’d rather hear about some C-list d-bad doing d-bag things instead of a story about Shakira getting purse-snatched by a G-D wild boar? Because if you are going to sit there and tell me that, then it’s probably best for you to simply move on from Celebrity Slam.

Because that’s the thing – we’re in this for the weird stuff. If we can make fun of entitled, egotistical jerks while we do it, great. But sometimes, this world is just magically strange enough to gift us with a story just like this one.

Seriously – if we see a headline that says “Shakira attacked by a pair of wild boars,” we are going to take that and run with it. We’re not made of stone, after all – that s—t is solid gold.

Let’s start with our questions. Or rather, question. Who are those boars working for? Because you’re not going to convince us that a pair of wild boars just randomly happened to target a globally-famous pop star walking in the park with her kid. We might have been born at night, but it wasn’t last night, you dig? So – who paid the pigs?

One could argue that it was a preemptive strike to distract from Shakira’s appearance in the bombshell Pandora Papers investigation about offshore tax havens and financial malfeasance and a bunch of other stuff we’ve already lost interest in thinking about.

And sure, there has been an ongoing issue with the proliferation of wild boars throughout Europe, with the number being pegged as high as 10 million across the continent. Spanish police departments have been fielding thousands of calls in recent years with complaints of hogs running into cars and eating out of bird feeders and yes, attacking people. Still … coincidence? We think not!

(We’d love to know that it’s obvious we’re kidding, that all of this is intended to satirize insane conspiracy nonsense, but considering the times, let’s just make it clear – WE’RE KIDDING.)

So yeah, we could have dug around and found some dillhole reality star being a jerk in an airport or something, but if we’d done that, you wouldn’t have read about Shakira having her purse stolen by feral pigs.

Check and mate.

Last modified on Wednesday, 06 October 2021 08:51

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