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Celebrity Slam - Hat's off to LaBeouf

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One of the things we were mildly concerned about upon returning to this space in the midst of the pandemic was simply: Were people still going to be dumb in ways that we’re comfortable mocking? Sounds simplistic, sure, but really – scorn and derision lose a lot of their luster when things are terrible in a more general sense. Would the circumstances lead to celebrities engaging in self-reflection and exerting more care regarding their words and/or deeds?

Reader, they would not.

In retrospect, it was probably foolish to worry. Famous people are always going to be disconnected from reality to some extent – why would that change in a situation that in itself led to disconnect? Celebrities are going to celebrity, regardless of what may or may not be going on around them.

This brings us to Shia LaBeouf, a one-time staple of this space who seemed as though he at least partially got his s—t together in recent years. Now, we’re always rooting for our Celebrity Slam poster children to work through it; obviously, we love making fun of their stupid actions, but we’re not monsters. Ultimately, we want them to be happy. Besides – there’s always going to be a new dumbass.

But Shia gave us a gift.

You never expect to see good old Shia’s face when you’re scanning the AP wire, so when we did catch a glimpse, we were intrigued. Said intrigue grew exponentially upon seeing the headline stating that he was being charged with misdemeanor battery and petty theft. That’s the good stuff, you know? After that, it’s just a quick check to make sure no one was hurt and it’s off to the races. However, it was upon reading the article – just a blurb, really – that we were reminded of just what good old Shia brings to the table.

Honestly, all it took was the second paragraph, just a single sentence long.

“Prosecutors allege that the 34-year-old actor fought with a man named Tyler Murphy and took his hat, according to a criminal complaint obtained by the Associated Press on Thursday from the Los Angeles city attorney.”

Took. His. Hat.

The rest of the story shares details of the date of the incident (June 12) and the date of the filing of charges (Sept. 24), as well as a bit about his acting career and some of his … difficulties over the years. Obviously, none of that matters because SHIA LABEOUF GOT CHARGED FOR STEALING SOME GUY’S HAT.

That single, beautiful sentence rivals anything put forward by any literary master of brevity. Hemingway would have been proud to construct such a sentence, though he’d probably have stopped after “hat,” which, to be honest, we would have as well.

We have no other details as of press time, though it’s tough to imagine that knowing the specifics would somehow improve any of this. The unknown element is what makes it so delightful. As soon as we find out the why of the stealing of the hat, or what kind of hat it was, or where the theft took place, the wonderfully tangled web of uncertainty collapses. Sure, it might be an awesome reason, but right now, we are awash in infinite possibilities regarding the hat theft. And come on, it’s Shia LaBeouf – nothing is off the table.

Right now, it’s Schrodinger’s hat.

Of course, anyone possessed of the fame/infamy combo that Shia brings to the party should probably avoid putting themselves in situations where they might be tempted to act out in odd ways. Ways like, say, stealing some dude’s hat. If you’re a nobody, that sort of thing probably disappears. But it’s Shia, so here we are.

(Just adding to the general weirdness is the fact that it took the dude three months to file charges. Granted, we don’t know the whole story, but it seems that if you were that fired up about a June hat theft, maybe make the call before the autumnal equinox?)

Frankly, we’re just glad to catch this glimpse of the old, weird Shia. It seems like a relatively minor thing, so we’re assuming it won’t cause too much stress for any of the parties involved. Nice to have you back, man – hope the hat was worth it.

Last modified on Wednesday, 07 October 2020 07:43

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