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Celebrity Slam - Hammer toes

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We have a type here at Celebrity Slam. You all know it. We love feuds and we love romances. Beefs and portmanteaus – that’s what we’re here for.

That’s not all of it, of course. There’s plenty of room for more individualized buffoonery – famous people saying and doing idiotic things for idiotic reasons, that sort of deal.

But then there’s the stuff that’s just … weird. Stuff that doesn’t really fit in any of the other boxes but still very much needs to be addressed.

Yeah – we’re going to have to talk about that Armie Hammer video.

If you were on the internet at all last weekend, you probably already know. At minimum, you have a vague awareness of the situation, if not the specifics. But if you don’t know what I’m talking about, well … you’re in for it.

On Saturday, Hammer posted a video to his Instagram feed of him and his two-year-old son. In the video, the toddler has Hammer’s toes in his mouth. The unfortunate caption included the REALLY unfortunate tag #footfetishonfleek, which, you know, yikes.

Social media blew up – as you might expect – and while Hammer has yet to respond to the uproar, his wife Elizabeth Chambers wound up defending her husband, calling the video a family in joke and mentioning that she meant to share it only with relatives before Hammer went ahead and gifted it to the world.

“Our son likes to play with people’s feet and I put the video on our family stream because this phase is an ongoing joke. Sharing the video on Instagram was def not the best move on A’s part, but I can assure you that our children’s safety and well-being is always our first priority.”

And, well … yeah. Like we said – weird.

Let’s be upfront: this is all perfectly innocent. Babies and toddlers are weird and gross and hence find weird and gross things appealing. There’s no doubt that that kid thinks toe stuff is HILARIOUS and Dad’s just trying to keep his kid happy. Again – weird, but not harmful in any way.

But that’s not what we’re here to talk about.

Leaving aside the recording of the thing – which, come on, let they without weird and embarrassing family videos of themselves cast the first stone – the big problem here is the decision to post this thing on the internet.

Seriously, Armie – are you new? You’re a famous person living in 2019, man. How are you not aware of the idiot s—tstorm that would accompany this? It’s a weird thing to share with the world – of COURSE people are going to get all bent out of shape. Hell, Being Mad Online is practically the national pastime at this point.

And of course, you certainly didn’t do yourself any favors with that hashtag. Gross, dude. Introducing that kind of language, even as a (bad) joke, casts weird shade over the whole thing and gives everyone just a touch of the creeps. Again – pretty clearly not your intent, but you should really know better.

It can’t be stressed enough – this isn’t a condemnation of a dad letting his toddler be gross for five seconds. We all thought gross stuff was neat when we were little; weird things made us laugh. That shared time is fundamental to the development of the parent/child relationship, so good for Armie Hammer for spending it.

But why would you share that video? How could you not see that blowing up in your face? And why, dear God, why did you use that hashtag?

Ultimately, this is much ado about nothing. People like us will spend some time snarking on it and Twitter will do its Twitter thing. Jokes will be made and takes will be taken. It’s a dumb thing that happened and will almost certainly be forgotten in a few days and we move on to the next dumb thing. It’s the joy and curse of this feature – there’s always going to be something dumb coming over the horizon.

Will it be dumber than Armie Hammer posting a video of his baby son sucking his toes? Almost certainly not. But hey – dare to dream, right?

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