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Celebrity Slam - Grip it and rip it

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Hello friends! We have returned!

Now that The Maine Edge is back in print, we here at Celebrity Slam have decided to make our way back as well. The truth is that in these trying times, it’s good to be able to have a laugh or two – particularly at the expense of the rich and famous, who despite everything going on in the world still manage to find time to say and do dumb and/or goofy things.

This week’s entry might not have as much star power as we usually see in this space, but it more than makes up for it in sheer joyous silliness. Believe it or not, we’re hitting the PGA links.

Specifically, we’re talking about the Travelers Championship, which took place over the weekend. And we’re talking about Ian Poulter, a veteran of professional golf with a decorated career. Why are we talking about Ian Poulter, you may ask?

Well … let’s just say that he gave a whole new meaning to the golf adage “grip it and rip it.”

It all went down during the telecast of the final round at TPC River Highlands in Connecticut. At the tee was golfer Greg Chalmers, who was having a so-so tournament to that point. Chalmers took his swing … and then cameras picked up a sound. A very loud, very distinctive sound that sounded for all the world like someone had stepped on an angry duck.

That’s right – it was a fart. An extremely loud and incredibly close fart. An undeniable audible anal discharge of intestinal gas.

So where does Ian Poulter come in? Well, it turns out that our good friend Mr. Poulter had no interest in playing the smelt it/dealt it/denied it/supplied it game. He can be heard almost immediately afterward, asking on camera “Did you get that?” with what sure sounds an awful lot like pride. Chalmers responds with a “Stay over there. Is that supposed to be more silent than that?”

And so on.

In case there was any doubt left, Poulter took to social media to gleefully take full credit for his butt blast, referring to wind on the first tee and warning us all to “beware the live mic.” He also delighted in the idea that many folks believe that Chalmers was the culprit, because if this incident has taught us anything, it’s that Ian Poulter is a 12-year-old boy trapped in the body of a middle-aged professional golfer.

Obviously, this isn’t a Slam in the traditional sense. We’re not going to heap scorn on Poulter for farting on camera. There but for the grace of God go all of us, you know? But since we too are essentially 12-year-old boys trapped in middle-aged bodies, there was no way that we weren’t going to take advantage of this gassy golfer.

We can all agree, after all, that farts are always and eternally hilarious. And it isn’t just the fact that it happened on a golf course – who among us hasn’t tried to toot one out during an opponent’s backswing? It’s that it happened on camera. And the truth is that the immediacy of Poulter’s response would seem to indicate that he was TRYING to be heard. The dude WANTED that fart on camera … and that makes all the difference. The only thing that could have possibly made it better is if a course steward held up one of those “Quiet Please” signs afterward.

One imagines that the initial plan was to let her rip and then let Chalmers take the heat – he was the one on-screen at the time, after all – but when the deed was done, Poulter simply couldn’t resist taking credit. He was just so darned proud of that poot. And so he fessed up immediately, both in the moment and later.

And good for him. It’s important for a fine craftsman to be proud of his work.

There will be plenty of time for celebrity derision in the weeks to come. Goodness knows that they aren’t going to stop being the self-centered doofuses that they’ve always been. For now though, let’s just sit back and enjoy the fact that millionaire professional golfers find farts to be as funny as we do. They’re just like us!

Last modified on Thursday, 02 July 2020 07:41

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