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Celebrity Slam - From 'Full House' to the big house

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With a new year, you can expect some new names and faces here at Celebrity Slam. Part of the joy of the year is slowly learning who the big weirdo and/or a-hole is going to be. Sometimes, they come in hot and heavy. Other times, it’s a slow build. Either way, it’s someone new.

But just because we’re in a new year and awaiting the Biggest D-Bag of 2020’s coming out party doesn’t mean that we’re no longer going to look back at the delightful idiocy that we got to enjoy in 2019.

This week, we’re going to continue a story from last year. A favorite story, actually. We’re going to talk about the still-exquisitely named law enforcement operation Varsity Blues, in which numerous people – including actors Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin – were caught committing various levels of crime in an effort to ensure college admission for their jerk kids.

The fallout has been real. Huffman already went to jail, serving 11 days of a two-week sentence. But Loughlin, whose efforts were considerably more involved than Huffman’s, is looking at a much bleaker potential sentence. If things don’t go her way, she could be looking at two or three years in for-real prison. That’s no joke, but what she’s doing in advance of that possibility kind of sounds like one.

You see, Loughlin has reportedly hired a prison consultant.

What’s a prison consultant? Why, we’re so glad you asked! This prison consultant has been hired to help prepare Loughlin; she’s learning prison etiquette and martial arts and a variety of slang. It’s all intended to ensure that Loughlin will be able to handle herself in the event that she does wind up behind bars for an appreciable length of time.

(If all this sounds weirdly familiar, it might be because this whole thing is essentially the plot of the 2015 Will Ferrell/Kevin Hart comedy “Get Hard.” In the film, Ferrell is a white-collar criminal who is getting ready to start serving a significant sentence; Hart is the man he hires to teach him the necessities of surviving on the inside. Not a highlight for either guy, but passable.)

Obviously, this is the best thing that we’ve ever heard and are utterly delighted that the world knows about it.

First of all, we’re always happy to take advantage of the opportunity to scorn and deride these college admission cheaters. Using money and status has always been a part of the prestige academia machine, but we’ll be damned if we’re going to sit here and let you be so g-d OBVIOUS about it. Buy a building or endow a scholarship like a normal briber. Don’t give some sketchy grifter cash because he says he can get your shiftless spawn into Cornell.

Secondly, there’s nothing better than hearing that some plan made by a famous person is essentially the plot of a film, particularly if a) it’s a comedy, and b) Will Ferrell is in it. Anytime you can describe your specific idea by simply saying the name of a movie, you’ve almost certainly made some terrible mistakes along the way.

Thirdly, can we just talk about how absurdly hilarious it is that Aunt Becky might go to prison? It endows the “Full House” reruns you’ll occasionally stumble on with a bizarre pathos, an oracular sense of knowing just how off the rails a life is destined to go. You got it, dude (where “dude” means “idiot person who gave grifters half-a-million to get her kid into college” or “moron whose plan of attack is identical to that taken by a Will Ferrell movie dips—t”)!

Seriously – just imagine how many times Lori Loughlin has said the word “shiv” in the past two weeks. We’re just hoping that her consultant ascribes to the “take out the big guy on the first day” school of prison survival thought, because a headline conveying that series of events is something that we would enjoy seeing very much.

The thing about this that sucks is that she’s basically cosplaying “Orange is the New Black.” There are a lot of men and women out there who are receiving unjust or outsized punishments, people without the veneer of fame possessed by people like Loughlin and Huffman.

From “Full House” to the big house.

Last modified on Tuesday, 07 January 2020 07:02


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