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Celebrity Slam - Free at last!

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One of the most on-brand stories we’ve ever had in this space was the ongoing college admissions scandal in which rich folks coughed up thousands of dollars in an effort to ensure that their progeny were able to attend the institution of higher learning of their choice.

Among the people caught up in the wide net cast by the investigation into the scheme were actors Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin. Both women wound up eventually facing the music and receiving their punishment – including jail time.

Well, we’ve reached what is probably the end of the whole sordid affair – at least as far as Celebrity Slam is concerned – now that Loughlin has been released from prison.

Loughlin and her husband, fashion designer Mossimo Giannulli, both pleaded guilty to conspiracy charges back in May, fessing up to having paid half-a-million dollars to the scheme’s mastermind in order to ensure their two daughters’ admission to the University of Southern California. Loughlin turned herself in at the end of October to do her time.

All told, Aunt Becky wound up doing just shy of two months in the Federal Correctional Institution located in Dublin, California. She also must serve two years of supervised release, 100 hours of community service and pay a fine of $150K.

(For the record, Giannulli, who turned himself in three weeks after his wife, was sentenced to a five-month term in the clink, so he’s still cooling his heels in the cooler. When he gets out, he’ll have the same two years of supervised release as Loughlin, but his community service (250 hours) and fine ($250K) are both greater.)

In the end, over 50 parents were charged with participating in the scam; more than two dozen pleaded guilty and were sentenced to prison terms. Huffman was among them, doing 11 days in October of last year.

During her sentencing hearing in August, Loughlin expressed remorse and apologized, saying “I went along with a plan to give my daughters an unfair advantage in the college admissions process. In doing so I ignored my intuition and allowed myself to be swayed from my moral compass. I thought I was acting out of love for my children. But in reality, it only undermined and diminished my daughters’ abilities and accomplishments.”

She went on to acknowledge how her situation pointed out the various inequities in societal systems, crying when she said things like “While I wish I could go back and do things differently, I can only take responsibility and move forward” and “I am truly, profoundly and deeply sorry. I’m ready to face the consequences and make amends.”

And now she’s out. Great.

This is where we address how completely and utterly full of s—t Lori Loughlin is. For instance, if she was genuinely concerned about the impact of her actions, would she have had a private f---ing jet waiting on the tarmac to take her home? Look, we’re not here to judge how people spend their money, but let’s not pretend like Hallmark Helen here has learned some kind of valuable lesson. Her biggest regret – hell, probably her only regret – is that she got caught. That’s it.

Honestly? We’d bet money that she still doesn’t think what she did was actually wrong. Crocodile tears and empty platitudes are fine for your virtual sentencing hearing, but that’s not going to fly now that you’re back out into the world. Now is the time to put up or shut up … and we’re fairly confident that she will be shutting up.

Sure, she did her time and will continue paying her debt to society, such as it is. But let’s be real – she’s going to be back on the set of whatever garbage movie soon enough, going on with her life and generally suffering no real long-term fallout for her choices. Two months in prison is enough to ruin a lot of people – most of us – but for her, the worst repercussions will be the occasional snarky joke made at her expense by idiots like us who have no other outlet to express our feelings regarding the fundamental unfairness at work here.

Don’t get us wrong – we’re going to miss being able to return to this particular well. And we’re glad she was punished. We’re just not sure it was enough.

Last modified on Wednesday, 30 December 2020 06:41

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