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Celebrity Slam - Feb. 6, 2013

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Monkey business

While many of the famous folks we visit here at Celebrity Slam are known for their naked thirst for the spotlight, there are always those who take their need to be looked at to a new level. These are people who find new ways to ensure that all eyes are upon them - new and very stupid ways.

The latest installment in idiocy comes from mogul/reality TV star Donald Trump, who has chosen to pick a ridiculous fight with late night talker Bill Maher.

The beef springs from an alleged comment Maher made on 'The Tonight Show' in the immediate aftermath of Trump's $5 million challenge to President Obama regarding the president's birth certificate. When talking to Jay Leno, Maher stated that he himself would donate $5 million to charity if Trump could prove that he isn't the offspring of Trump's mother and an orangutan.

Trump being the nutbar insane publicity hound that he is has filed a lawsuit claiming that he formally responded to the challenge with a copy of his birth certificate proving that his father is Fred Trump and not an ape. Trump alleges that five 'worthy charities' have now been deprived of millions of dollars and it's all Bill Maher's fault.

Your legal system at work, ladies and gentlemen!

If ever you wanted proof of Donald Trump's pathological lack of a sense of humor, here it is. Not only has he chosen to deliberately misinterpret what was obviously a joke, but he's more than willing to tie up judicial resources so he can adopt a ridiculous holier-than-thou stance. Is he claiming that he actually felt the need to prove that his dad wasn't a monkey? Is he defending his mother's honor? It's like he wasn't satisfied with all the ways in which he's currently able to be a jerk, so he invented a new one. We can only pray that no one (besides Trump himself, of course) is taking this thing at all seriously.

Honestly, the most astonishing aspect to this whole debacle is the fact that Trump has managed to make Bill Maher look like the lesser jerkwad. That's something akin to a miracle.

One crappy night

Celebrities are only human, and when you combine that with an inherent sense of entitlement, bad decisions are going to be made - hilariously bad decisions. However, when a lone celebrity takes it upon himself to make all of the bad decisions all at once, that's when you get Celebrity Slam magic.

This is one of those times.

Jason London, star of 'Dazed and Confused,' spent Sunday evening feeling a generous helping of both. He was at a bar called the Martini Ranch in Scottsdale, Arizona and got himself kicked out. According to the bouncer, London walked by him and sneezed on him. When the bouncer asked for an apology, London allegedly responded by punching him in the face.

But it was when the authorities showed up that things got really exciting.

Paramedics attempted to treat London, but he reportedly got aggressive with the first responders, shoving some of them. The police officers on the scene then subdued London, but he was just getting warmed up.

London went on an expletive-filled rant, calling the cops hillbillies and pulling out an F-bomb laden variation on the old 'Don't you know who I am?' chestnut (he also dropped in a homophobic slur for good measure). After he was finally placed in a police car, London went on to say 'It smells like st in your car and your breath smells like diarrhea' apparently taking a page from the elementary school insult handbook. And then, the coup de grace.

He pooped in his pants.

You read that right: he pooped his pants and gleefully told the officers that he was 'happy as st.'

London has since taken to Twitter to respond, claiming that the police report is a 'total f---ing lie,' because clearly the Scottsdale police have nothing better to do than make up a story about Jeremy London dropping a deuce in the back of a cruiser.

It's like a blueprint of how to find your way into this space. It goes from an amusing story (sneeze-inspired fight) to a hilarious story (F-bombs and arrogance) to an awesome story (police car pants-pooping) you think it can't possibly escalate anymore, but before you know it, Randall 'Pink' Floyd has called someone poop-breath and filled his drawers truly inspired.

What leads a person to that place? Can there possibly be a set of extenuating circumstances that would logically lead to s----ing your pants in a police car? Only Jeremy London knows.

I'd say he doesn't give a crap, but that's obviously not true.

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