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Celebrity Slam - Ebb and Flowbee

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Celebrities – they’re just like us!

Now, we all know that that statement simply isn’t true. Celebrities are, for the most part, nothing like us. They live in insulated bubbles that are specifically curated to not allow for any pushback against their weird or unpleasant behaviors. Most are driven by outsized egos and entitlement, and while there are plenty of regular folks out there motivated by the same forces, they don’t have armies of paid enablers whose sole job is to allow them to continue down the primrose path of complete and utter self-involvement.

Of course, we occasionally get celebs who go out of their way to try and prove that they’re regular people. Usually, this comes off as pandering and/or condescending, an effort for the famous figure in question to lower themselves to the level of the great unwashed.

Sometimes, though, one of them says something so ridiculous on its face that you actually find yourself considering the possibility that they’ve said something true.

This brings us to George Clooney.

Clooney was on “CBS Sunday Morning” this past weekend, ostensibly to promote his new Netflix directorial effort “The Midnight Sky” (which, not for nothing, the book on which it’s based – 2016’s “Good Morning Midnight” by Lily Brooks-Dalton – is excellent and we think the movie will be good as well; not that this has anything to do with this item, but we thought it worth mentioning). But in the course of the interview, he managed to reveal something that he has somehow managed to never bring up in his nearly three decades atop the A-list.

George Clooney cuts his own hair.

That’s right, the Hollywood sex symbol – one of just three men to be named “Sexiest Man Alive” by People Magazine twice – has been cutting his own hair for a quarter-century. Not only that, but he does it with that dorkiest of infomercial tools, the Flowbee.

(We’ll pause here to offer up a brief description of the Flowbee for our younger readers who may not be familiar with the device. The Flowbee is a set of clippers with a vacuum cleaner attachment; basically, you hook this thing to the end of your vacuum’s hose and let ‘er rip. Supposedly, it not only sucks up the hair as its cut, but it ensures all of the hair is cut at the same length. It was nigh-ubiquitous on late-night infomercials back in the late 1980s, though it has apparently seen quite a resurgence during the pandemic.)

Clooney claimed that he picked up his Flowbee years ago and has used it ever since, raving about the fussless, mussless nature of the device – “My haircuts take literally two minutes,” he practically gushed, an endorsement that reportedly resulted in surge of traffic to the website that caused it to crash. He does warn that his “hair’s like straw, so it’s easy to cut. You can’t make too many mistakes.”

Obviously, there’s a lot to unpack here.

There’s something oddly appropriate about George Clooney cutting his own hair. We can’t quite articulate what that something is, necessarily. We just know that it’s how we feel. Can’t you just see it? Every two weeks, he climbs out of bed and announces to his beautiful and wildly accomplished wife Amal that he’s due for a trim. She shakes her head sadly and mutters something to herself about how they can afford for him to go to the barber, but it’s too late – she hears the loud whir of the Hoover and accepts that this is her life now.

Or – and perhaps this is closer to the reality – he just made it up. He was ready to trot out some new man of the people material and started riffing, but his understanding of what’s normal calcified sometime around 1994, so he took a shot. Now, the world thinks that he’s a total Flowbro and his wife is even more embarrassed than she would be if he actually used one.

We kid, obviously – we would love nothing more than for it to be true that George Clooney has spent the last 25 years cutting his own hair with a vacuum attachment. It’s even more fun if you imagine him doing the Garth line from “Wayne’s World” – “It’s sucking my will to live!”

Flowbros for life.

Last modified on Tuesday, 01 December 2020 09:23

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