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Celebrity Slam - Dropping the Hammer

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Over the years that we’ve been in charge of this space, we’ve seen our share of crazy stories cross our desk. Obviously, celebrities have been getting up to all manner of nonsense ever since there have been celebrities – the rules have never been fully applied to famous people.

However, there have only been a couple of stories that have legitimately caused us to question whether they were TOO crazy for us to address here. We went back and forth about this one, but ultimately, we decided that we were going to go ahead and run with it, if only because anyone who has any interest in celebrity gossip will DEFINITELY be talking about it.

So yeah – let’s talk about Armie Hammer. If you haven’t heard about this story yet, well … buckle up. S—t is WILD.

(It is worth noting from the outset that much of what follows remains unconfirmed, so there’s a real possibility that we will find out it’s all a hoax. Frankly, we very much hope that that winds up being the case, because DAMN Armie.)

It all started with a tweet that landed this weekend from a woman who posted a series of Instagram DMs that she claimed has come from Hammer. These messages – which are so weird and graphic that even we here at Celebrity Slam aren’t comfortable sharing – go on at some length, painting a portrait of … we don’t even know what to call it.

These messages run a real weirdo gamut, from graphic sexual imagery to calling everyone “kitten” to straight up talking about drinking blood and cannibalism. Honestly, if you’re curious to learn more, all we can do is steer you to the internet, which will be more than happy to tell you everything that you want to know.

(Actually, we will mention a couple of them specifically. There’s the one where he refers to a message recipient as “the Michael Phelps of f***ing.” And the one where he just says “I am 100% a cannibal.” See what we mean? SO WEIRD.)

Look – this story is bizarre. Like, really bizarre. And it only gets weirder, because the woman who posted the original messages has since recanted, saying that they were fake and that it was all a big joke. Which, fine. But here’s the thing – other people have actually popped up on Twitter claiming to have received similar messages from Hammer.

Meanwhile, Hammer has yet to address the controversy; he’s reportedly currently in the Cayman Islands, visiting with his children (they live there with their mother, Hammer’s ex Elizabeth Chambers).

Now, there’s obviously a ton to unpack here. From here, we’re going to treat this story as if it is real, though we’ll readily concede that it may not be. We don’t as a rule like to run with items whose veracity is so unclear, but you have to admit that this is a unique set of circumstances. Like, we’re a feature devoted entirely to dissecting the faults and foibles of the rich and famous – how can we NOT address a story so completely and utterly bonkers?

We’re not in the business of kink-shaming here, so please don’t think that we’re here telling Armie how he can and can’t choose to get his jollies. No, we’re here to mock him mercilessly for WRITING IT DOWN. Come on, Armie – you have to smarter than that. You can’t write that stuff in a direct message – that stuff is no longer in your control and anyone who wants to can send it out into the world, revealing your deeply weird sex deal to literally everyone on the internet.

The world is full of online creepers throwing their weirdness at the wall to see what sticks. However, it’s rare for said online creepers to also be movie stars. Well … we ASSUME it’s rare, but the truth is that we don’t really get creeped on, so we can’t really say with any confidence just what the breakdown of movie stars to regular creepers actually is. Still, we can make an educated guess.

This guy doesn’t slide into your DMs – he hammers them. Armie Hammers them.

Last modified on Tuesday, 12 January 2021 13:51

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