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Celebrity Slam - Double dip

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We’ve had a pretty good run here at Celebrity Slam in recent weeks. There has been more than enough to fill our snarky coffers. There have been some sweet beefs, ranging from filet mignon to Steak-Um. There have been some solid celebrity hook-ups, granting us the always-welcome opportunity to flex our portmanteau muscles. And there’s been plenty of the usual standard-issue idiocy on the part of the rich and famous.

Basically, it has been a while since we’ve had to really dig to find something worth discussing in this space. However, it appears that the time has come – there’s just not that much happening that we’re interested in mocking/scorning/deriding/whatever.

This leaves us grasping at straws. So we’ve decided to do a double-dip this week, featuring a pair of celebs who used to make fairly regular appearances here at Celebrity Slam. Two people who spent an earlier stretch of their fame saying and doing all manner of things that got them noticed in this space and other spaces like it. Sure, they’ve fallen off our radar a bit in recent years, but hey – sometimes it can be nice to touch base, see how everybody is doing these days.

So … we’re going to talk about Lindsay Lohan and Miley Cyrus. Not together, mind you – we’re just going to do a quick-hit check-in with both women.

We’ll start with good old LiLo. She’s had a couple of weird outbursts relatively recently, but we remember fondly the stretch when she was SO prevalent in this space that we actually declared a moratorium on her appearances for almost an entire year. It’s true – we basically just decided to ignore her nonsense for like nine months.

Anyway, she’s back in the news because – brace yourselves – she’s back in the studio recording new music. Oh, did you forget that aside from being an actress, reality star and professional hot mess, she also released a pair of albums? Granted, that was back in 2004 and 2005 – a LOOOOONG time ago – but still. So consider yourselves put on notice – LiLo is going to be bringing her vocal stylings to the masses once again.

As for Miley, well … things are actually pretty OK with her, random groping by Spanish street weirdo aside. Her relationship with fiancé Liam Hemsworth (a lesser Hemsworth, sure, but even a second-tier Hemsworth is pretty great) seems to be on solid footing. She’s on one of the new episodes of “Black Mirror.” And she’s releasing a bunch of new music that by all accounts is actually not bad.

But we’re not talking about any of that. What we’re going to talk about is the ridiculously overpriced condom that she’s selling as promotional merchandise for the aforementioned new music.

So the deal seems to be that they’re pushing this phone number – 1-833-SHE-IS-MC, for those who are interested – as part of the rollout of the digital download for “She Is Coming.” There’s the usual overpriced junk - $60 hoodies, $30 T-shirts, that sort of junk – but then you’ve got … the condom. It’s just a plain condom in a black wrapper adorned with the title and the same number. It costs $20.

And there you have it. Two different ways for you to waste your money – one you can do now, the other you can do later.

Let’s start with Lindsay. This just feels super thirsty in a way that is more than a little off-putting. It’s hard for us to believe that there’s anyone out there clamoring for new music from everyone’s favorite Hollywood cautionary tale. And let’s be real – taking over a decade off probably hasn’t done much to improve her already-borderline vocal talents.

As for Miley – girl, please. Bad enough with the low-quality clothing, you’re going to throw birth control out there too? One assumes that the questionable effectiveness of the condom itself will be balanced by the fact that simply seeing it will almost certainly change some minds with regards to sexy times, it’s probably a push, but still. It’s a bad look.

Again, our apologies for the scattered nature of this week’s entry. Unfortunately, we just didn’t have any real high-end Slammable material. We hope that what we’ve given you is satisfactory and look forward to cranking things back up next week.

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