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Allen Adams Allen Adams
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edge staff writer


Celebrity Slam - Diamond in the fore of his head

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When you’ve been doing this for as long as I have, it’s easy to think that you’ve seen everything. Sure, the details change, but in terms of the broader picture, there just can’t be THAT many ways for famous people to be idiots. Again – there are shifts in specifics (and the specifics are by far the most fun part of the whole thing), but the basic fundamental stuff is the same.

Twitter beefs, hookups and breakups, “don’t you know who I am?” – all pretty standard.

But just when you think you’ve got this whole deal figured out and that there’s nothing new under the sun, Lil Uzi Vert has a giant pink diamond surgically implanted in his forehead and you realize that you don’t know anything at all about anything at all.

I mean … just read that last sentence again. I’ll wait.

Done? Great. Here’s the deal. So, Lil Uzi Vert bought a gigantic pink diamond. We’re talking somewhere between 10 and 11 carats. This diamond is so expensive – roughly $24 million – that the rapper claims to have been making payments on the thing since 2017. By all accounts, that number is greater than the value of all his other stuff – his cars, his houses, all of it.

And then he had the thing IMPLANTED IN HIS F---ING HEAD!

By all accounts, he doesn’t appear to be in any pain or distress and is actually quite pleased with how this whole thing has come together. As he posted to Twitter, he is “literally tryna turn into a Diamond,” so obviously, the move is to jam one into the relatively thin and extremely sensitive skin of his forehead.

Let’s talk about all the things that are horrifying about this, shall we?

I’ll start at the bottom of the list. Think about what it means to have spent years with a massive pink diamond on whatever the rich person equivalent of layaway is. It is the most conspicuous consumption any of us have ever seen; I literally struggle to imagine how one might flaunt their wealth in a more ostentatious way. Like, those people who have nesting yachts – yachts within yachts within yachts – are somehow less brazen with their wealth.

It’s also worth noting that this sort of body modification is never without risk. There could be infection or scarring or any matter of health ramifications if he fails to behave responsibly and take proper care of it. And at the risk of sounding like a jerk, I propose that we can all probably agree that the responsibility ship has sailed, no?

Also – what happens if he … catches it on something? Diamond in the head or no, dude is still going to have to put clothes on and take them off. What if he’s taking off a T-shirt – or, God forbid, a cable-knit sweater – and it gets caught on his newly prominent forehead bauble? Having never had a piercing, I can’t speak from experience, but from what I’ve witnessed out in the world, when someone gets an earring or nose ring or whatever caught on something and it pulls, that hurts. A lot. I can only speculate, but it would seem that this whole deal presents the possibility of exponentially more pain.

Plus, what if he loses it? What if he’s putting on his turtleneck or whatever and it catches and yanks the damn thing right out of his head and he doesn’t see where it lands? People lose tiny things all the time, and while 10 carats is big for a diamond, it’s vanishingly small for almost anything else. He says he’s got insurance and people looking out and … sure. Okay. But what insurance company is actually going to pay out for a guy who lost his $24 million diamond because he had it stuck in his forehead and it fell out? I mean, what even is the deductible on that?

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. So. Many. Questions.

All I have left to say is this: thank you. Thank you, Lil Uzi Vert, for reminding me that no matter how firm a grasp I feel I have on the depraved depths of celebrity idiocy, there will always be famous folks to show me how much deeper we can go. There is no bottom. Shine on, you crazy diamond.

Last modified on Wednesday, 10 February 2021 08:18


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