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Celebrity Slam - Cruise (out of) control

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One of the many intricacies of the Celebrity Slam mechanism is our formula for determining what items wind up receiving the spotlight in this space. We won’t go into details – it’s complicated (and proprietary) – but the gist is this: the more famous the person, the less egregious the offense needs to be. And, obviously, vice versa.

Basically, this means that megafamous folks don’t have to step in it too deeply to make the Slam, but the more fringy celebrities really have to do something bad and/or nutso to make the cut. There’s a lot of math involved, algorithms and whatnot, but that’s the basic deal.

But every once in a while, you get a megafamous person doing something megacrazy and, well … suffice it to say, that’s a good week for Celebrity Slam. And thanks to Tom Cruise – king of the megafamous/megacrazy combo – it’s a VERY good week.

By now, just about everyone in the world has heard about his outburst on the set of his new “Mission: Impossible” movie, in which he loudly and profanely dresses down some crew members for not adhering to COVID-19 protocols. You’ve probably already heard it, but just in case you haven’t – or even if you just want to see it all written down – here’s the rant transcribed in its entirety.

“We are the gold standard! They’re back there in Hollywood making movies right now because of US!! Because they believe in us and WHAT we’re DOING!! I’m on the phone with every f---ing studio at night. INSURANCE COMPANIES!! PRODUCERS!! And they’re looking at us, and using us to make their movies.

“We are creating THOUSANDS of JOBS, you motherf---ers!

“I don’t EVER WANT TO SEE IT AGAIN!! EVER!! And if you don’t do it, you’re fired! If I see you do it again, you’re f---ing gone. And anyone on this crew does it, THAT’S IT! And you, too. And you, too. And you. If you ever do it again, that’s it.”

“No apologies. You can tell it to the people who are losing their f---ing homes because our INDUSTRY is shut down. It’s not gonna put FOOD ON THEIR TABLE, or pay for their COLLEGE EDUCATION. THAT’S what I sleep with every night. The FUTURE of this F---ING INDUSTRY!! So, I’m sorry, but I am beyond your apologies. I have told you and now I want it and if you DON’T do it, you’re OUT!

“We are not shutting this F---ING MOVIE DOWN!!

Is it understood? If I see it again, you’re f---ing gone. And so are you. So YOU’RE gonna cost him HIS job. If I see it on the set, YOU’RE gone, and YOU’RE gone. That’s it. Am I clear? Do you understand what I want? Do you understand the responsibility that you have?

Because I will deal with your reason. And if you can’t be reasonable, and if I can’t deal with your logic, you’re fired. That’s it. That is it. I trust you guys to be here. That’s it. That’s it, guys.

“That’s what I’m thinking about. That’s what I’m doing today. I’m talking to Universal, Paramount, Warner Bros. Movies are going because of us. We shut down, it’s going to cost people their f---ing jobs, their homes, their family—that’s what’s happening. All the way down the line. And I care about you guys. But if you’re not going to help me, you’re gone. OK? Do you see that stick? How many meters is that? When people are standing around a f---ing computer and hanging out around here, what are you doing?”

Says it all, really.

Now, this is tricky, because on the one hand, adherence to COVID protocols is a good thing. Cruise makes a valid point; they probably are viewed as standard-setters. On the other hand, Cruise comes off as an utterly unhinged lunatic; there’s a “done this before” energy to the explosion that makes one wonder what else he yells about.

Honestly, we don’t have a ton more to say about this. Just read it. It tells you everything you need to know about Tom Cruise – even when he’s ostensibly trying to do the right thing, he still manages to be a d-bag.

Last modified on Wednesday, 23 December 2020 07:23


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