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Celebrity Slam - Brawlin' Baldwin

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It’s no secret that these days, Celebrity Slam largely runs on hip-hop beef and famous couple portmanteaus. That’s because we tend to take what the world gives us – and that’s part of the fun. Besides, both of those things are delightful – a savory entrée and a sweet dessert.

But those of you who have been with us from the beginning know that we are truly at our best when we can dig into a celebrity’s behavior and really lean into the scorn, mockery and derision. Yes, we love beef, but the two-sided nature of it doesn’t always lend itself to certain brands of snark. And obviously, celebrity couples are the best, but that’s a whole different kind of fun. So it’s nice when someone famous gets involved in something idiotic. Something truly, deeply stupid. Something REALLY dumb.

And so – Alec Baldwin.

According to reports, Baldwin is in a bit of hot water following an incident where he allegedly got into a fistfight over a parking spot. In case you were wondering if Baldwin had continued along his Angry Dad evolutionary path, well … there’s your answer.

It all reportedly went down on Friday. Apparently, a relative of Baldwin’s was saving a parking spot for the actor near 10th Street and 5th Avenue in New York City. Then, a man – later identified as 49-year-old Wojciech Cieszowski – apparently swooped in with his Saab station wagon and stole the spot. Both men then exited their vehicles. From there, Baldwin lost it, screaming expletives at the man before allegedly striking him.

Police were called and Baldwin was arrested. He was charged with misdemeanor assault and harassment and released with a desk appearance ticket.

As often happens in these stories, things were almost immediately walked back. The man – who initially claimed that Baldwin punched him – soon altered his story to “struck him with his hand,” phrasing that certainly sounds a lot more like a slap than a punch. Semantics, maybe, and assault is still assault, but still.

Also, the surveillance video, while grainy, does appear to show the two men shoving each other, rather than Baldwin as the sole aggressor. If that’s indeed the case, then the actor might be off the hook; if evidence points to this being a mutual combat situation, rather than an assault. That would mean no laws broken and all charges dropped.

For his part, Baldwin adamantly maintains his innocence, tweeting out a condemnation of the “clickbait” nature of these sorts of “defaming allegations.” He said specifically that “the assertion that I punched anyone over a parking spot is false. I wanted to go on the record stating as much.”

Just so we’re clear – is there any doubt in anyone’s mind that Alec Baldwin took a swing at that guy?

Don’t get us wrong – we’re not saying that this is assault or anything like that. It’s very possible that this Cieszowski cat is just as ornery a dude as Baldwin is. Anyone willing to steal an obviously-saved parking space so brazenly could well be the sort of guy who sees a notorious hothead like Baldwin and decides to pick a fight, knowing that he’d get some attention and maybe some cash out of the deal.

But yeah – Baldwin TOTALLY swung on him. Whether it was before or after the shoving, whether it was assault or a mutual combat situation – that we wouldn’t deign to say. But everything we know about Alec Baldwin as a person, every clue we’ve ever gotten about his character, every public interaction we’ve seen him have – it all points to the sort of dude who would 100 percent get froggy over someone taking a parking space he believed to be his.

We were going to say something like “We’re not here to judge” but you know better – we’re ABSOLUTELY here to judge. There are a lot of potential issues here regarding the situation and the circumstances behind what went down last Friday. There’s still plenty that we don’t know about the interaction between Baldwin and Saab Guy. But there’s no doubt that Baldwin’s seething cauldron of Dad Rage is plenty capable of boiling over – and we believe it did just that.

Again, it’s not our place to say, Alec, but … maybe consider calling an Uber next time.

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