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Celebrity Slam - Big Derulo Energy

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Celebrities are always saying and/or doing dumb and/or weird stuff. It’s part of the package for a lot of these folks, and for whatever reason, their method of coping with fame involves losing track of what it means to interact with others like a normal human.

Now, most of the dumbness/weirdness is fairly predictable. Silly social media beefs. “Don’t you know who I am?” moments. General awkwardness brought about by a lack of self-awareness. The usual business.

But every once in a while, a celebrity gets weird in public about something unexpected. Something that you’d never in a million years consider discussing in a small group of strangers, let alone sharing with the world. Something … different.

So – we need to talk about Jason Derulo’s penis.

Derulo gave an interview with radio host Andy Cohen – promoting his role in the upcoming disaster-in-waiting “Cats” – in which he bemoaned the fact that his … whatnot … had been CGI-ed out of the trailer.

“They CGI-ed the dick out. I noticed that,” he told Cohen on the radio show. “125 percent. I can’t see it in the trailer, for sure. I’m not surprised. That could’ve been a new thing. To make it as catlike as possible, that’s what it’s about.” 

(A little background: not long ago, Derulo had an Instagram photo in which his business was extremely pronounced. So pronounced that it wound up getting removed. So that’s a thing I know now.)

Apparently, its presence was noted by some of his co-stars. And while subsequent estimates of his surety of its deliberate erasure moved down to 120%, that’s still darned sure. Jason Derulo absolutely believes that his penis was removed in post.

Was it? Well, the internet sure has been doing its best to find out more. Some are arguing that closer examination seems to support Derulo’s assertion; the general Spandexness of the thing sure would reveal … wood.

Regardless, that’s not the question we’re here to answer, though it’s obviously a fascinating one. No, we’re here to talk about what the deal is with Jason Derulo and his penis.

This guy REALLY wants us to know what he’s got going on in the downstairs. From the Instagram thirst to the overshared radio conversation, it’s clear that a lot of Derulo’s identity springs from what he’s got in his shorts. The armchair observation is that its some sort of masculinity thing, some need to make sure that everyone knows how much of a man he is.

One has to imagine that the folks pushing “Cats” can’t be thrilled with this kind of conversation, although considering they already have to be dreading the possibility that they’ve got a bona fide bomb on their hands, perhaps they’ll take any conversation they can get.

(A moment to talk about “Cats” and its potential reception. Who is going to see this movie? Are any of the people out there the least bit excited about this film adaptation of a long-in-the-tooth Broadway musical? Especially after seeing the cat/human hybrid CGI nightmares that will be singing those songs adapted from the poetry of T.S. Eliot? Is there a single person who saw any of these trailers and reacted with anything other than revulsion? WHO IS THIS MOVIE FOR?)

But seriously – can you imagine what it must be like to feel as though its your duty to constantly point out the presence or absence of your d—k? That sort of hyper-self-consciousness must be absolutely exhausting.

In Derulo’s defense, this whole experience has to be exhausting as well; spending every day on a press junket for a movie that everyone has already decided is terrible can’t be a picnic. So if Derulo wants to talk about his dingle, that’s his prerogative – he just needs to understand that people are absolutely going to think that’s weird.

To sum up: Jason Derulo would like you to know that his impressive undercarriage is impressive while also noting that apparently the creative forces behind “Cats” simply couldn’t handle said impressiveness, choosing instead to hide that particular light under a bushel.

So there it is. Sorry, America. Universal doesn’t think you can deal with this BDE – Big Derulo Energy.

Last modified on Tuesday, 17 December 2019 07:50

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