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Celebrity Slam - Between The Rock and a Hanks place

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Our affinity for beef here at Celebrity Slam is no secret. There are few things that we love more than celebrities taking one another to task over slights real and imagined. The combination of massive egos and an absence of self-awareness results in a wonderfully deluded crescendo, a perfect storm of entitled idiocy that allows us to sit back and deliver scorn and mockery with reckless abandon.

We’re happy every time any pair of celebrities engages in public conflict. Online is fine, in-person is perfect, but really, we’ll take whatever we get.

But there’s beef … and then there’s BEEF.

This latest feud is something altogether different. So unexpected and unlikely as to be almost unbelievable. It’s a celebrity beef unlike any that we’ve ever had the good fortune to encounter. As far as Celebrity Slam, it may be the Platonic ideal of beef.

Buckle in folks, because The Rock is beefing … with Tom Hanks.

Go ahead. Take a second to collect yourselves. We certainly needed one. OK, deep breaths.

The obvious question is how, of course. How do two of the most successful – and most likable – figures in Hollywood wind up at odds with one another? How do two seemingly good, easygoing dudes come to have such virulent antipathy toward one another?

Apparently, it all started with “Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle.”

As you probably know, Dwayne Johnson (OK, that’s out of the way – he’s The Rock from here on in) was the star of the wildly successful 2017 family adventure film. What you probably don’t know or at least only vaguely remember is that Colin Hanks – son of Tom Hanks – played the adult version of the original kid who was sucked into the video game and turned into a Jonas brother until The Rock and Kevin Hart and the rest of them helped him get out.

Anyway, rumor has it that young Hanks approached The Rock at the film’s wrap party and expressed his admiration for The Rock’s work and mentioned that it had been a pleasure working with him. According to sources, The Rock responded by asking who Hanks was before immediately interrupting by shouting that he didn’t care and calling Hanks a candyass. The Rock then laughed and said that they might be in the same movie, but they definitely didn’t work together; he followed up by smearing a cupcake all over Hanks’s face.

Humiliated, young Colin kept his shame to himself. However, Hollywood is a small town in its way and work soon got back to his famous father. And while Tom Hanks might be as amiable as they come, America’s Dad and the only possible choice to play Mr. Rogers in a movie, he is also a man who loves his children deeply and is fiercely protective.

Long story short – Tom Hanks decided to go full “Road to Perdition.” Well … not FULL “Road to Perdition.” It’s not like he was going to pull a gun or anything criminal like that. More like three-quarters “Road to Perdition” – old-timey gangster, but not TOO gangster. Anyway …

Tom Hanks made it his personal mission to avenge his son’s humiliation by almost any means necessary. He did so through psychological warfare; his whisper campaigns were responsible for, among other things, The Rock agreeing to do a sequel to “San Andreas.” Hanks also kept opening The Rock’s gate so his dogs would get out and he would have to go find them. He put gum in every lock and Saran Wrap on every toilet.

And there’s a rumor – as yet unconfirmed – that Tom Hanks pooped on the hood of The Rock’s car.

Word is that The Rock hasn’t been able to sleep for months and is trying desperately to make things right with Colin Hanks, but his efforts at an apology have fallen on deaf ears. Some believe that it will take an agreement to feature the younger Hanks in the “Hobbs & Shaw” spinoffs from the “Fast & Furious” universe, but as of yet, the only ones who know aren’t talking.

It boils down to this: The Rock might be a big man, but Tom Hanks was in “Big,” man. We know where we’d put our money.

(In case you haven’t already figured it out, this is our April Fools’ Day edition. As such, there will be stories that are completely and totally made up. This is one such story.)

Last modified on Wednesday, 27 March 2019 13:37

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