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Celebrity Slam - Beef: It’s what’s for breakfast

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It’s no secret that we here at Celebrity Slam love beef. We are never happier than when we have the opportunity to dig into some Grade-A prime cut celebrity beef. We love it when famous people get into ridiculous conflicts with one another for no discernible reason. The pettier, the better.

And these beefs are rendered even more appealing when they are between two figures who have no apparent connection. Sure, the beefs between musicians or athletes or whatever are fun, because they’re coming at it from a place of shared perspective. But it’s the beefs that make no sense at all that are the best of all. There’s nothing better than two famous people whose orbits simply don’t intersect, whose Venn diagram is just two circles, getting into it.

Granted, those sorts of beefs are relatively rare, which makes them all the more precious when they do turn up. And sometimes you get a beef that is legitimately weird, the sort of feud that feels like it was created via Mad Libs.

A beef like that between Mark Wahlberg and Dr. Oz. Oh yeah – it’s a thing.

“But Celebrity Slam,” you might ask. “What could Mark Wahlberg and Dr. Oz possibly be beefing about?” And that, friends, is where it gets REALLY good, because this is the sort of stuff that we wouldn’t even dare make up because it is so weird and outlandish.

Marky Mark and Dr. Oz are fighting over … the importance of breakfast.

It all started a couple of weeks ago when Dr. Oz told a TMZ reporter that one of the main things he wanted to do in 2020 was to ban breakfast, saying “I don’t think we need to eat breakfast. I think it’s a marketing ploy.”

It’s worth noting that Oz is a proponent of intermittent fasting.

He went on to say that “a lot of the dogma we were fed came out of advertisements. It wasn’t really based in the truth around our health.”

Suffice it to say, Marky Mark was NOT having it.

Wahlberg, whose workouts allegedly begin at the ungodly hour of 2:30 a.m., called out Oz while also plugging the F45 fitness franchise in which he is an investor.

“I know a lot of people do a lot of intermittent fasting and stuff like that, but you know what you do? You go to F45 and get that 45-minute workout better than any workout out there, and you start getting in shape. Tell Dr. Oz to come work out.”

To the surprise of, well, literally everyone, Dr. Oz was here for it. He basically called out Wahlberg, going on and on about the health benefits – both short- and long-term – of intermittent fasting before deciding that there was only one way to settle this once and for all.

How’s that? Why, with a one-legged push-up contest, of course!

Oz claimed that the endurance benefits of intermittent fasting are such that the 59-year-old could bang out 20 one-legged pushups without struggling; he also voiced concern as to whether Wahlberg could manage with a post-breakfast full stomach. Wahlberg responded with a video in which he met Oz’s challenged and questioned the doc’s cardiac fitness, leading Oz to make a video of his own involving a defibrillator and more than a little shade.

Obviously, we love everything about this. The incongruity of these particular celebrities getting into a feud is delightful enough – never in a million years would you expect these two names to be in the same sentence for any reason – but for them to be quarreling about the relative importance of breakfast is the kind of next-level weird that we live for. It’s like an odd combination of seasonings that somehow come together to create an exquisite rub for your beautifully aged Kobe steak.

Because that’s what this is, you see. Filet mignon is offal trash compared to this exquisite piece of beef. All the elements are there for absolute perfection. We don’t even need to dig into the many, MANY ways we might mock these two, because the mere existence of this conflict is mockery enough. They’re doing all the heavy lifting themselves – we just need to describe it and get out of the way.

Beef – the most important meal of the day.

Last modified on Wednesday, 22 January 2020 08:42

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