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Tim Bissell Tim Bissell
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Celebrity Slam - Ball & chain & Cage

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One of the most interesting things about this feature is how quickly strange stuff can happen when it comes to celebrities. Everything plays out at an accelerated pace – including relationships.

We’ve seen a ton of romantic connection burn out rather than burn on; the nature of fame makes balancing the dynamics tricky. Maybe one person is more famous than the other. Maybe one person is famous and the other person isn’t famous at all. Either way, navigating the relationship is a difficult task.

But then you have celebs who take it into a whole different place. Celebs like Nicolas Cage, who we’re absolutely thrilled to be hosting in this space once again.

You may recall hearing something about Cage getting married recently. Back at the end of March, he and Erika Koike, his girlfriend of about a year, tied the knot in Las Vegas. According to reports, things were off to an especially rocky start – there were reports of a very loud and heated argument just moments before the ceremony took place on March 23.

Shockingly, the quickie Vegas marriage turned out to be a less-than-stellar idea. Cage sought an annulment after just four days, claiming that he “reacted on impulse and without the ability to recognize or understand the full impact of his actions.” He also stated that the marriage was based on fraud.

Nothing that surprising here. Nicolas Cage made a rash and irrational decisions and tried to undo it. Pretty classic Cage-ian behavior, really.

However, the really fun part has come up recently, as the court documents regarding the case have made their way into the public eye. See, Koike disputes Cage’s characterization of the marriage, going so far as to claim that Cage reached out to her less than two weeks after the annulment to ask her to “do it the right way.” Hence, Cage’s case doesn’t hold water.

Why does it matter, you ask? Money, of course! What else would it be, you silly goose?

Koike is adamant that the pair isn’t marriage material, but that their parting of ways should be via divorce so that she can get her hands on some of that sweet, sweet spousal support cash. She’s claiming that she lost numerous opportunities over the course of their relationship and that her reputation has been irreparably damaged by Cage’s allegations. She’s also asking that he pay her legal fees.

And there you have it.

Ordinarily, we wouldn’t stick our nose in too deeply with a relationship’s dissolution. Matters of the heart can be delicate and we’d hate to make light of someone’s genuine pain. But this? This is a different kettle of fish.

This is Nicolas Cage, elite-level weirdo and notoriously poor decision-maker. All you have to hear is “Nicolas Cage married in Vegas” and you already know that the whole enterprise is going to crash and burn (likely in a spectacular fashion). That’s just who the guy is – Las Vegas weddings are rarely a good idea in the best of circumstances, let alone when one of them is a lunatic.

That baked-in insanity is part of what’s so delightful about Cage’s rationale for requesting annulment. “Reacted on impulse and without the ability to recognize or understand the full impact of his actions” – that’s literally every minute of every day. This is a guy who buys islands and dinosaur bones and pyramids. This is a dude so obsessed with Elvis that he married the guy’s daughter and so obsessed with Superman that he named his kid Kal-El. Hell, look at the choices he makes with regards to the movies that he signs on to do. At what point has he ever understood the full impact of his actions? We’re two decades or more removed from reacting on anything other than impulse.

Does Koike’s play feel a bit gold-digger-y? Sure, a little, but that’s not really the point. The point – and it’s a valid one – is that Nic Cage behaving precisely like Nic Cage isn’t enough of a reason to warrant an annulment. Whether or not four days of marriage is enough to warrant financial support, well – that’s for the courts to decide. But as to whether the marriage itself can be stricken from the record? Not so much.

That’s our Nic, bringing us another classic Cage match.

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