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Celebrity Slam - Aunt Becky heads to the big house

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Some of our favorite Celebrity Slam stories from over the years are the ones that play out over an extended period of time. Sure, we like the quick-hit one-off items, but there’s something truly special about the ongoing scandals. They are truly the gifts that keep on giving.

We got a ton of mileage out of the Felicity Huffman/Lori Loughlin situation a few months back. We’re sure you remember, but let’s do a quick recap, just for funsies:

Basically, Loughlin and Huffman were among the snowplow parents that got busted in the ongoing (and still exceptionally-titled) Operation Varsity Blues, wherein a number of people – some famous, all rich – did various levels of criming in an effort to get their precious snowflake offspring into appropriately prestigious colleges. This involved everything from cheating on the SAT to Photoshopped images intended to make kids look like rowers or water polo-ers. Some spent thousands of dollars. Others spent far more; Loughlin and her husband went something like a half-mil deep.

You might have forgotten about it – after all, Huffman already did her hitch and is out. But again, Loughlin’s offenses were much greater and so punishment is harsher. Due to pandemic-related court closures, however, she wasn’t able to get in for sentencing until August, where she got dinged for a two-month stint in federal prison.

She reported to the federal lockup in Dublin, California this past Friday, October 30. Part of the deal was that she went in early – she wasn’t initially scheduled to report until November 19 – and that she agreed to not try and get sprung early for any COVID-19 related reasons.

Her husband – fashion designer Mossimo Giannulli – got hit with five months. They also have to pay fines – she $150,000, he $250,000 – and do community service – 100 hours for her, 250 for him.

Early on, the pair tried really hard to push the narrative that they were somehow innocent victims, scammed into making what they believed to be legitimate donations; they even accused prosecutors of hiding evidence that proved the two innocent for … reasons? But after more than a year of shoveling that s—t, they apparently realized that all they were doing was making the hole deeper and they reversed course about three months ago.

So yeah – Aunt Becky’s in prison.

Anyone who reads this space with regularity knows how much we delight in schadenfreude. We LOVE the suffering of others, so long as they are reaping the rewards of their own short-sighted stupidity. Obviously, there’s nothing funny about genuine suffering, but the idea of rich idiots going to prison because they thought being rich somehow outweighed being an idiot? HILARIOUS!

(In their defense, we totally understand why they might think that their wealth trumps their idiocy, because that’s the world in which we all live. They probably even think that it’s unfair that they’re somehow the ones who got caught. To that we say – *fart noise*.)

You probably don’t remember because we wrote it in early January (i.e. approximately one thousand years ago), but Loughlin actually hired something called a “prison consultant” to help prepare her for her time in the slammer. What’s a prison consultant? Why, we’re so glad you asked! This prison consultant has been hired to help prepare Loughlin; she’s learning prison etiquette and martial arts and a variety of slang. It’s all intended to ensure that Loughlin will be able to handle herself.

Tough to say whether the lessons learned were retained over these long months, but hey, if she forgot, she can always just watch the 2015 Will Ferrell/Kevin Hart mediocrity “Get Hard” and that’ll pretty much give her the gist.

We have no doubt that there are some out there who will argue that this is somehow unjust, that some vaguely-defined “they” should be going after the equally-vaguely-defined “real criminals” instead of putting poor stars of Hallmark movies in prison for the crime of trying to help Sweetie Darling fake her way into USC via her nonexistent rowing skills. We imagine these people have other equally strong and equally informed-by-the-internet opinions – opinions that they’ll almost certainly want to belch our way. And as the fog of their ill-conceived ideas floats our way, as the volume rises and the sanity drops, we’ll say the one thing one can say:

You got it, dude.

Last modified on Wednesday, 04 November 2020 07:25

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