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Celebrity Slam - Aug. 8, 2012

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An old-school feud

There are few things we here at Celebrity Slam enjoy more than a good old-fashioned celebrity beef. Watching the veneer drop and the claws come out is just delightful. And every once in a while, when the legends step to the plate we're talking the uberfamous - you get a really epic p---ing match.

Our sincerest thanks to Sir Elton John. In an interview recently given to an Australian television station, Mr. John took the Material Girl herself to task.

That's right he started taking shots at Madonna. You know this is going to be good.

The best part is that the interviewer didn't seem to be trying to start anything; he just mentioned Madonna's name and Elton hit the ground running. Elton bristled at the very notion of Madonna, saying 'She's such a nightmare. Her career is over.' Elton went on to rail against Madonna's musical choices, expressing confusion that such a 'brilliant' pop singer would slum it in the dance music genre.

However, any positive vibes that might have been elicited by that 'brilliant' were quickly erased when Elton dropped this absolute gem of a quote, saying that Madonna 'looks like a f---ing fairground stripper.'

That, friends, is a Marianas Trench-deep burn. Elton John clearly came to kick Madonna's ass and chew bubble gum and he's all out of gum.

This feud has been simmering for a while. It all started when Elton called out Madonna for lip-syncing during shows a few years back. Then Elton's partner David Furnish crapped on her for winning a Golden Globe. But this recent outbreak seems to be inspired by Madonna's recent treatment of Lady Gaga who just happens to be godmother to Elton and David's son Zachary.

The overtness of his rancor should come as no surprise; Mr. John isn't exactly known for his wealth of subtlety. But come on, man do you really need to kick a pop icon when she's down. You don't need to tell us that Madonna's career is circling the drain. We know. So does she. She's churning out overproduced crap and being faux-outrageous because she's desperately clinging to some semblance of relevance. She can't sit behind a piano and age relatively gracefully she has to be 'edgy' because that's the platform on which she's built her entire career. Her talent became secondary long ago. Pointing out how pathetic she has become just makes you look like a bully, Elton.

But hey - Hell hath no fury like a Rocket Man scorned.

Third time's the charm?

Everyone makes mistakes even famous people. That's just a fact of life. However, it takes a special kind of idiot to make the same mistake over and over again. And when said idiot happens to be a celebrity, welllet's just say it makes my job just that much easier. Who is this celebrity that is currently hitting-and-running her way onto our radar, you ask?

It's our old Celebrity Slam friend Amanda Bynes!

You might remember that Ms. Bynes has had a rather unfortunate run over the past few months, getting herself kicked out of clubs, picking up DUIs and crashing her car into other cars far more often than is socially acceptable. You'd think that after all the crap she's brought on herself, she'd make some sort of effort to straighten up and fly right.

Think again.

Bynes is being accused of yet another hit and run incident. This one took place on Ventura Boulevard; the actress rear-ended another vehicle. When the other driver engaged her in conversation and asked to exchange insurance information, Bynes nervously insisted that no info needed to be exchanged due to minimal damage, though there was apparently significant damage to Bynes's car. As the other driver continued to try and procure Bynes's info, the actress simply got into her car and drove off.

Can we all agree that Amanda Bynes is the worst driver in Hollywood today? Maybe in Hollywood history? This chick seemingly can't back out of her driveway without causing significant property damage. She gets behind the wheel and all of a sudden it's some weird amalgam of 'Cannonball Run' and 'Death Race.' Bad driving is one thing, but this is next level. Maybe it's time to hire a driver or start taking the bus. You can't keep crashing into people and you certainly can't keep running away when you do.

Who are we kidding? She's two weeks away from crashing into a Taco Bell.

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